The Madness Series
by Neurotic Temptress
Summary: Daily life was never meant to be this... well, mad. RemyRogue and ScottJean pairings. Also starring, against their will of course, Kurt, Kitty, Evan and Bobby.
1. Marketing Madness

**Disclaimer: **The disclaimer can't come to the monitor right now. It's currently tied up in chains in my basement for claiming that these characters aren't mine. It's black propaganda, I tell you. 

**A/N: **Though I'm an avid reader of Evolution fanfic, this is the first time I've actually written anything in this section. I'm used to, and am more knowledgeable with, things in the comic-verse -- which means there is a very good possiblility that I'll be off on some things. Kurt's accent, for one (Guess I'm too used to Rogue and Gambit's southern accents. : ) And Bobby will probably seem more like comic-Bobby, too -- just 'cause I love that goofball. If you do catch something wrong, I'd appreciate knowing what it is exactly. : ) 

**CHAPTER 1   
Marketing Madness**   


"All right, who's got the list?" Scott asked as he pulled a shopping cart out from its storage line. 

Kurt looked at him curiously. "Vat list?" 

"The grocery list, Kurt. We're in a supermarket, remember?" 

"Whoo-hoo, Boss-Man's got a sense of humor," Evan whistled in approval. "Must've popped up when we weren't looking." 

"Or maybe it grew out of his as-- " 

"Real mature, Bobby. Finishing that sentence will earn you more time in the Danger Room." Scott turned to Kurt. "The list?" 

"I don't have any list," the young German protested, holding up his hands in defense. "All I brought today was my fuzzy blue self and zis cool image inducer zat camouflages ze fuzzy blue self." He raised his wrist to show off the said device. 

"Since when did we have a list?" Bobby inquired. "I thought we kinda just wandered around the store, throwing things into the shopping cart at random." 

"Yeah, man, that's why Auntie O doesn't want you anywhere near her when it's her turn for the food run. You give her a headache." 

"He gives _everyone_ a headache," Kurt added. 

"Guys," interjected Scott, "we're getting off track here. We only have so much time before the Professor expects us back at the Institute. Now which one of you has the list?" 

Three sets of eyes stared at him blankly. 

Scott shook his head in frustration. "Aw, man, you're kidding me, right? None of you thought to pick up that long piece of paper that was on the table before we left?" 

"Hey, man, why didn't _you_ pick it up?" demanded Evan. 

"He was too busy talking to Jean, and then admiring the view as she was walking away." 

Scott pointed a finger at Bobby. "Danger Room. Bright and early tomorrow." 

Bobby turned to the others as Scott ventured ahead of them and down the first aisle. "What'd I say?" Kurt gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. 

Evan moved to follow the older boy further into the store when something out of place caught his eye. "Umm, Scott?" 

"What is it?" he called over his shoulder. 

"I think I know who's got the list." 

Scott turned and noticed Evan staring at his backside. Reaching behind him, Scott felt the half-folded, half-crumpled paper protruding from his back pocket. 

Kurt made a tsk-tsk noise while shaking his head. "And here you are jumping down our throats when you've had ze list all zis time." Brushing past Scott, he commandeered the cart. "You should be ashamed, _Herr_ Summers." 

Bobby hurried to join him, leaving Scott and Evan a few feet behind. Leaning in closer to Kurt, he discreetly whispered, "Parking lot?" 

Kurt grinned. "While he was locking ze van door. Slipped it into his pocket and he didn't even notice." 

"Smooth, dude." 

They both snickered before Scott cleared his throat. "Come on, guys, let's get going. Evan, what're we picking up first?" 

Evan consulted the list Scott had handed him. "We need some moo juice." 

Making their way down the aisle, they maneuvered past a woman with three small children under the age of ten. Each child held a food product in their hands and was demanding that their mother purchase it for them. The poor woman had her fingers pressed firmly to her temple, massaging her migraine into submission. 

After witnessing the unfolding scene for a few moments, Bobby commented, "Boy, am I glad we don't have to deal with something like that." 

"Speak for yourself," Scott muttered under his breath, mentally comparing his companions to the three children. 

"Vat was zat?" 

"Nothing." He turned toward the dairy section. "Okay, which one are we getting?" 

Evan automatically reached for the largest container of whole milk. "This one, of course. Can't have too much of the moo juice." 

Kurt shook his head. "Ve can't get whole milk. Ze girls don't drink zat." He picked up a gallon of skim milk. "Zey like zis stuff." 

"Oh yeah, and Auntie O needs the non-fat kind." 

"I thought she had the low-fat milk." 

"You're both wrong; it's the zero-fat one." 

"I thought zat was Logan's." 

"Dude, when have you ever seen Logan drink milk?" 

"Right..." 

Scott looked at the different containers on the shelf. "So which ones do we get? Zero fat, low fat, non-fat, lactose-free, whole, skim, vitamin C enriched..." 

Three sets of eyebrows knitted in confusion. 

"Sorry," Scott said, "my eyes wondered over to the juice section." 

"I say we just take one of each and let them deal," suggested Evan. "It's not like it'll go bad or something, with all the people at home." 

"Good point. Drop them in the cart." Scott moved a few paces down to the next section. "How about cheese? We've got cheddar, mozzarella, American, Swiss -- " 

A collective groan rang out behind him. 

"Shop and drop, dude," Kurt ordered, picking the sealed cheeses at random and depositing them into the cart. 

"See, I told you that was an effective way to do this!" declared Bobby. 

Seven gallons of milk and ten varieties of cheeses later, the boys made their way down to the cereal aisle. 

"Sugar Bombs!" Kurt and Bobby exclaimed as soon as they had turned the corner. They scooped up three boxes each and threw them in with the dairy products. 

Dryly, Scott stated, "There _are_ other kinds of cereal, you know." 

Bobby pretended to be shocked. "No, really?" 

"But how can zey do zat when Sugar Bombs rule?" added Kurt. 

"Dudes, check it out! There's a free miniature, fully automotive, action figure of Captain America, complete with protective shield and rotating arm movement! We are _so_ buying this." 

"Evan, you don't even like that cereal." 

The young African-American pointed to the box. "Scott, it's Captain American!" As if nothing else needed to be said, he placed the item among the rest of their things. 

Struggling slightly with the heavy load, Scott shepherded them away. "I think that's enough with the breakfast foods. Let's get the snacks." 

"Potato chips!" 

"Ice cream!" 

"Frozen pizza!" 

"Burritos!" 

"Man, don't sit next to me when you eat those." 

"Salsa!" 

"For the burritos?" 

"No, for my chips." 

"Dips are good with chips." 

"Are we rhyming now?" 

"What about a pound of dead cow?" 

"Can we squeeze in a few nuggets somehow?" 

"Check out the junk food aisle -- wow oh wow." 

"Don't forget Mr. McCoy's Twinkies." 

"Dude, you just ruined ze rhyming game. Vat goes with Twinkies?" 

"I don't know... Linkies?" 

"Finkies?" 

"Hey, Logan's pork rinds." 

"Grab a few of zem cookies." 

"Kitty's chocolate." 

"Jean's chocolate." 

"Rogue's chocolate." 

"Auntie O's chocolate." 

Silence. 

"What?" Evan asked. "Believe it or not, my aunt's a girl, too." 

They shrugged. 

"Do you think ze Professor would want us to get him anything?" 

They stopped. 

"Umm... does he even know what junk food is?" Bobby put out. 

Evan frowned. "How do we know his body can take the stuff? Maybe it'll shut down or something if he bites into a Ho-Ho." 

They looked at each other in question. 

It was Scott who finally broke the silence. "I think if the Professor wanted anything he would have written it down on the list," he reasoned. 

They all noticeably relaxed. 

"Well, now that that's settled," Bobby began, packages in hand, "I have another problem for you to solve, o wise and great leader." He gestured to their full cart. "No vacancy. Try again later." 

Scott sighed. "And we're not even halfway through the list yet." He turned to his left. "Kurt, go get another cart. Better yet, make that two. And no teleporting!" he added as an afterthought, to which he heard a muffled curse, followed by Kurt's retreating form. 

"So what's next?" 

Examining the contents of their shopping cart, Evan said, "I think we should get some _real_ food." 

"What, like TV dinners and stuff?" 

"No, Bobby, I think Evan means meat, vegetables, canned goods -- you know, things you actually cook in a kitchen and not unwrap and shove into your mouth." 

Bobby turned to Evan and inquired none too softly, "Seriously, where did he get this sense of humor and is it too late to take it back?" 

"Ha-ha. Move it, people," Scott ordered, struggling with the cart once again. "We've got more things to get. Though, at the rate we're going, we'll need a tow truck just to get to the cashier." 

"The deadpan humor is really starting to scare me." 

"You and me both, man," Evan muttered as they followed Scott to the next destination. "You and me both." 

Forty minutes, three carts, and approximately twenty Danger-Room-session threats later, the guys were near the front of the supermarket, running down their grocery list. 

"Let's see," mused Scott. "Bread, milk, cheese, vegetables, junk food, steaks, toilet paper, ice cream -- " 

"Beer." 

"Nice try, Bobby." Without skipping a beat, he resumed his re-check. "Eggs, flour, whipped cream, soda... Well, looks like we're all set. All we're missing now is..." His eyes quickly scanned the list. Under the unrelenting florescent lighting, Scott visibly paled. "... oh no..." 

From where he was idly thumbing through a skater magazine, Evan asked, "What?" He leaned over Scott's shoulder to read, his eyes widening once he had. "Crap!" He shook his head firmly. "No way, man." 

"Vat is it?" 

Evan turned to him. "The worst thing you could imagine." 

"Logan's foot cream?" 

Evan pondered the suggestion. "That comes in a close second." 

Lifting a finger to his chin, Kurt tried to think of something even more disturbing than foot cream. With a gasp, realization hit him. "You mean...?" 

Both Scott and Evan nodded. 

Bobby, still left in the dark, asked, "What're you guys talking about? What's so bad?" 

"He doesn't know," Evan stated. "I vote that _he_ be the one to get them." 

"Get what?" 

"I second ze motion." 

"Get what?" Bobby repeated, becoming annoyed. 

Scott looked at the youngest boy with sad eyes. "Well, Bobby, looks like you've been out-voted and out-ranked. We're sending you in." He gently pushed the sandy-haired teen in the proper direction. "I didn't want to do this to you -- you being so young and all -- but I have no choice. I wish you good luck and Godspeed. We'll be at checkout number five." 

Bobby turned and confronted Scott. "Hey, wait a minute, I don't even know what I'm getting." 

Kurt sniffed and wiped away an imaginary tear. "He's so naïve and innocent. It's breaking my heart!" 

Glaring, Bobby snapped, "Will you guys stop being so melodramatic and just tell me." 

With little fanfare, Evan snatched the list from Scott's hand and pointed to the bottom of the page. 

Bobby's jaw dropped. "You want me to get _sanitary pads?!"_ he all but shouted. 

"SHH!" all three boys hissed, gesturing with their hands that he should lower the volume of his voice. 

Scott quickly glanced around them, afraid that someone had heard. "Not so loud, Bobby! You don't want the whole store knowing what we have to do." A faint snicker whispered across his features. "Or rather what _you_ have to do." 

"Nuh-uh." Bobby shook his head vigorously. "You're not forking this off on me. You're the leader. You do it." 

"That's right; I'm the leader. And as leader, I'm delegating the task to you." 

"Yeah, like that'll convince me." 

Evan spoke up. "Come on, Bobby. It won't be that bad." 

"Then why are the three of you shaking in your X-Men shorts?" 

"Because, dude," Evan leaned in closer to hiss, "they're _girly_ goods." He shuddered. 

"Look, why don't we just say we forgot to get them?" Bobby suggested. 

"Are you insane?!" bellowed Kurt. "If it's zat time of ze month, zen zey'll kill us if we go home without zem! We won't live to see another sunrise!" 

Scott nodded. "He's right." 

"Well, you can count me out." Bobby stood firmly and crossed his arms. "I'm not doing it." 

Leaning close to Kurt, Evan murmured, "You think we should've stopped short of telling him what he was actually gonna pick up?" 

Kurt scoffed. "I think he would have noticed ze writing on ze packages eventually." 

"Right." 

Bobby's face lit up as an idea came to him. "Let's just have someone else get them for us. Like another shopper." 

"Hmm, that could work." Scott craned his neck. As he was scanning the area, his eyes came in contact with one of the last people he would have wanted to see in a situation such as this. "Damn." 

Kurt's attention snapped to Scott. "Vat?" 

"Allo, _mes amis."_ Gambit smoothly made his way towards them. "What's wit' de worried faces?" 

"Just trying to figure out how to tell the manager that you're shoplifting and that you're slipping the goods into that trench coat of yours." 

"Ahh, you wound me, Summers. No need t'bite. I'm only tryin' t'help." 

Scott glared at the Acolyte. "Yeah, help us into an early -- " 

"Scott." Kurt laid a pleading hand on his friend's arm, sending him a maybe-he-can-do-it-for-us look. Kurt was hoping that the Cajun's... concern... for his sister extended to her feminine hygiene products as well. 

"On second thought, maybe you _can_ help us." 

"Wit' what?" 

"We need you to grab something for us." 

"Sure," Gambit agreed. "But it can't be too big. Not much room left in m'pockets." He patted the sides of his coat. 

"No, no, dude. We just want you to get them off the shelves. We'll pay for them." 

By this time, Gambit was suspicious. "What am I s'pposed t'get?" 

Bobby showed him the list. 

_"Non!"_ He took a step back. "I may be a lot o' t'ings, _mes braves,_ but stupid is not one o' dem. Dis is somet'in' ya gon' have t'do on ya own." He turned to leave. 

"But it's for Rogue!" _And friends,_ Kurt added silently, praying that he would take the bait. 

Gambit faced them once more. "Much as I like ya sister, _homme,_ dat's de one t'ing I ain't doin' f'r her. It'd be like tradin' in my masculinity f'r a skirt an' a tube o' lipstick." 

Kurt ground his teeth in frustration. As the other youth walked away, he called out, "Don't think I won't tell her about zis, Gambit!" 

"Don' t'ink I won't tell de Brotherhood 'bout _dis,_ if you do," he threw back, grinning. 

"Well, now what?" Evan demanded. 

"We have no other choice... we're drawing straws." 

"Uhh..." Bobby tentatively raised his hand. "One problem -- we don't have any straws." 

"Here." Taking hold of the list, Scott tore off four equal strips, and quickly shortened one of them. He then grasped them tightly in one hand, making sure that the same length of paper was protruding from his fist. "Okay, draw." 

One by one, they took a piece -- and then compared. 

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Evan cried out. 

Scott put on a stern face. "Fair's fair, Evan. The odds picked you." 

"All right, all right," he grumbled, readjusting his backwards baseball cap and squaring his shoulders. "But I consider this a betrayal of the highest kind." 

Bobby patted him on the back. "Whatever gets you there and back, dude." 

They watched Evan disappear behind a canned soup display. 

"Zere goes a brave and courageous soul." 

A respectful silence fell over them. 

"Five bucks says he'll chicken out and be back within two minutes." 

"Ten bucks." 

"Deal." 

More silence followed as they anxiously awaited Evan's return. A short time later, they spotted him briskly walking around the corner. 

"Ha!" Bobby exclaimed. "He chickened out! He's got nothing! Ten bucks, Scott; fork it over." 

Tapping his watch, the older teen stated, "You said 'within two minutes,' Bobby; he was gone two minutes, sixteen seconds." 

Bobby was incredulous. "You're holding out on me on account of sixteen lousy seconds?!" 

"It'll hold up in any court." 

Before Bobby could retort, Kurt looked to Evan and asked, "Vell?" 

He shook his head, a hopeless expression written all over his face. "Man, we're so screwed, it ain't even funny. Remember the milk and the cheese? Limited selection compared to this." He began counting off on his fingers. "They got the regular pad, the long, the extra long, the thin, the ultra thin, the ultra, _ultra_ thin, the overnight pad, the sports pad, the dry weave, the silk cover, the cotton cover, wings, no wings, side panels, top/bottom panels -- and that doesn't even include something called a panty liner. Dude, I'm telling you, it was making my head hurt!" 

"You should've just grabbed _something."_

"And get the wrong kind? Bobby, I'm not crazy. Like Kurt said, the girls'll skin us alive." 

"How can one little shopping expedition become so complicated?" Scott sighed. "Okay, here's what we'll do. Kurt, Evan -- I want you to secure the area; make sure there are no witnesses. Bobby and I will infiltrate the aisle at your signal, and make for the target." His brow knitted in heavy thought. "But before we carry out the plan, we should decide exactly what we're going for." 

"Maybe we should've brought our X-Men uniforms for this particular mission. It sounds like it could get dangerous," Bobby commented dryly. 

"Vhy don't we just get one of each like ve did with ze milk?" 

"Man, weren't you listening to me? There are too many kinds! Not to mention the different brand names." 

"Kurt does have a point," argued Scott. "One of each is our safest bet. We'll just randomly pick the brands and hope for the best." 

"Fine," Evan conceded. "But what about our carts? We just gonna leave them here?" 

"I'll take care of it." They watched as Bobby approached one of the cashiers a few feet away. After a couple of moments, he pointed to their groceries and smiled. The cashier returned his grin and answered him. On his way back, Bobby picked up a blue shopping basket. 

Scott was curious. "What did you say to her?" 

"The truth... kind of. I said that we had a few more things to pick up and dragging three heavy carts with us was too much trouble. So I asked her if we could just leave them here. She said she'd make sure no one put our stuff back on the shelves." 

"Real slick, Mr. Iceman." Evan grinned, holding out his palm to Bobby, who in turn slid his own palm across its surface. 

"All right, let's go do this," directed Scott. 

As they approached the designated aisle, Bobby and Scott hung back, while Evan and Kurt ventured on. Peering around the corner, they saw a supermarket employee re-stocking the shelves on the opposite side of their intended target. Evan looked around for a possible distraction to get the employee to leave. Spying an out-of-place can of tuna, he picked it up and handed it to Kurt. Instantly understanding his friend's intentions, Kurt aimed for the farthest corner away from their position. It landed with a heavy thud. The employee's head snapped up at the sound. Disregarding his duties for the moment, he went to investigate. Once the can was in his possession, he looked around for an explanation on how it got there. Finding none, he moved down the adjacent aisle, no doubt to return the wayward product. 

With a stifled cry of victory and a sigh of relief, the two teens signaled their counterparts into action. Scott and Bobby immediately went to work, gathering the items -- Bobby almost reluctant to even _touch_ the plastic packaging -- while Kurt and Evan stood guard on either end of the aisle. They worked swiftly and quietly, and in a minute flat, they had what they'd come for. Making a quick exit, the four teens headed back to the front of the store. 

On the way, Scott noticed Kurt swiping several big bags of chips and then laying them on top of the items he carried in the basket. "An extra precaution," he justified, though Scott hadn't asked. 

Finally reaching the checkout counters, the three boys wheeled their carts into position. Kurt stood between Evan's and Scott's loads in the hopes that their 'secret' purchases would be lost in the horde of foodstuff. 

As the cashier scanned item after item, Bobby whispered, "I think we're gonna make it. We're almost home free." 

"I'll believe it when we're out the door, tasting real freedom," Evan said, watching both the cashier and the bag boy warily. He wanted to make sure that all evidence was tucked away safely -- and out of sight -- at the bottom of their bags, if not deeper. 

Much to the boys' relief, the checkout process went on without incident. Scott used the Institute's credit card to cover the massive food bill, which needed a total of three bag boys to handle. 

As Scott led the small group toward the exit, he skimmed the receipt to make sure everything was in order. He and his three friends failed to notice the eager cashier rushing after them. It was only when one of the bag boys brought it to their attention that they stopped and allowed her to catch up. 

"I'm sorry, sir, you -- " She paused, panting slightly from her race across the market. "You forgot this." In her hand were several medium-sized bundles of feminine products. If the bright pink packaging didn't give the contents away, the clear and obvious picture on the front did. 

Scott looked around nervously. "I think you're mistaken. Those aren't ours." 

The cashier smiled; a quaint and pleasant smile that was meant to placate customers, but only succeeded in exasperating the four teens further. In a voice that seemed louder than necessary, she explained, "They're part of the _Woman's Touch_ promo, sir. If you buy any two packages of their products, you get one free." As proof, she pointed out the items on his receipt. "This is your free giveaway for purchasing over twenty products of this brand." She held out the packages to him. The smile made a second appearance. 

"Can zis get any more humiliating?" Kurt muttered under his breath to no one in particular. 

"Looks like it can, man." 

The three of them followed Evan's gaze to the small café/eatery that they were standing next to. The table nearest them had discontinued what was a very lively discussion only moments before. Now they seemed more interested in the scene in front of them. To add even more pain and suffering for the boys, the occupants of the table were all female, all students at Bayville High, and all known for their amazing abilities to spread gossip in record time. 

Kurt leaned forward and whispered to Scott, "I bet you're regretting zat 'no teleporting' rule you imposed on me before, _ja?"_

---- 

*sigh*   
And so goes the fic written during a heavy, _heavy_ case of sleep depreviation. I do find it funny that men are squeamish about buying that stuff. I mean, it's _obviously_ not for their own personal use, right? The way I figure, it's a kind of sign that some woman's got him whipped enough to have him buy them for her. And that's a blow to his ego. That kind of power will help us take over the world someday. ; ) 


	2. Spring Cleaning Madness Part I

**Disclaimer: **Advisory: If you dangle a piece of string in front of a disclaimer's face, it _will_ come at you with a hacksaw. Just thought you all would like to know. 

**A/N: **Well, this overnight fic has now evolved into a full-fledged _series._ Apparently it doesn't want to go quietly into the proverbial fanfiction night. Now we're stuck with. We'll just have to deal... 

~ merlyn, heartstar, jebrylla, chacreed, Rupeshwari, Ryoko Subaru, Lizzie4707, MazzaRedd, i forgot my name, J.Dax, Raistlin Mage, Zelda123 -- *sniff, sniff* Oh man, you really know how to make an writer's day. *sniff* That's so nice of you all. *grabs tissue and blows nose rather loudly* I'll never forget it as long as I -- Ooh, look! A twinkie! ... *looks up blankly* I'm sorry, what was I saying? ; ) 

~ TrinityC -- What?! You _want_ me to be sleep-deprived? Are you trying to turn me into some kind of zombie? : ) 

~ Goddess Evie -- I had exactly the same conversation with my friends, too! Though that was a couple of years ago. And as much as I wanted Remy to be completely devoted to Rogue and her feminine needs, I couldn't let the guys off _that_ easy! ; ) 

~ Disturbed Courtney -- In case I hadn't noticed? Are you kidding me? Of course I've noticed _Street Livin'_s lack of updated-ness! _Everybody's_ noticed! And everybody's not happy about it! In fact, I'm organizing a protest group right now! ... All right, so it's just me at the moment, but I _could_ get people! 

~ ishandahalf -- 1) I'm guessing you have issues with Evan and the moo juice. Are you seeking professional help? 'Cause I can recommend somebody. : ) 2) Well, a story written by me without any Rogue/Remy goodness is... probably not written by me! One way or another they're gonna find their way in, dammit! Even if I have to squish them through an opening the size of a dot! 3) Hmm... Scott issues too, huh? Seriously, I _know_ somebody. ; ) 

~ missy42 -- You know, I asked my brother what he would do if his girlfriend wanted him to pick up some pads and I am proud to say that he has no problem with it. In his own words, "They're obviously not for me." There's hope for their gender yet... ; ) I wonder what the dragons would do if we asked them... 

~ Eileen Blazer -- Tell the librarian that it's a study on human behavior. ; ) Well, it technically is... in a way. ; )   


**CHAPTER 2   
Spring Cleaning Madness   
Part I**

"Vatever it was, I didn't do it!" Kurt automatically declared as the smoke from his teleportation power dissipated. He quickly scanned the room and noted that everyone was already present. 

Professor Xavier hid a smile. "It's all right, Kurt, no one is in trouble here." 

"Not today at least," grunted Logan. 

Kitty straightened in her seat. "So, like, why are we here?" 

"Well, the three of us," the Professor indicated himself, Logan and Ororo, "know that all of you have been complaining about the apparent lack of closet space in your rooms." 

"Yeah," Rogue put in. "'Specially me an' Kit-Kat ovah there. Try sharin' a closet with a teenybopper wannabe." 

Kitty stuck her tongue out in her roommate's direction. 

"Hey, you two can't complain," Evan interjected. "Your closet is almost three times the size of the rest of ours." 

"And then some." Scott squirmed in his seat from the icy glares both girls were shooting in his direction. "Uhhh... you were saying, Professor?" 

"Yes, well, we've come up with a solution to this particular problem -- " 

"Ve're renovating?" 

Bobby looked up from where he was freezing the items in the fruit basket. "Cool. Can we use one of those really big wrecking balls?" 

"Dude, I don't think ve're trying to level ze entire mansion." 

"Then what's the fun in renovating?" 

Jean spoke up. "What about extra bathrooms? We could use a few more." 

"Oh! There was, like, this cool bathtub I saw in a magazine once. It, like, had a mini waterfall instead of a showerhead. Could we get one of those?" 

"Why don' you jus' move th' lake inta th' mansion while yoah at it?" Unlike Scott, Rogue wasn't fazed by Kitty's glaring features. 

Ororo raised her hands in supplication. "Children, please..." 

"What if we put in ramps connecting all the rooms? That way I can 'board even when the weather's bad," suggested Evan. 

Scott shook his head. "No, we should extend the Danger Room some more. It gets a little crowded sometimes when all of us are in there." 

"Way to go, Scott," Bobby muttered. "Give them even _more_ reason to make us train." 

"Maybe we could add a sauna." 

"Are you kidding me? Do you know vat a sauna does to fur?" 

"Well then, like, duh Kurt, don't go in there." 

"What about an indoor roller coaster?" 

"Man, I was serious about my skateboard-ramp idea." 

"You know, bumper cars are always a lot of fun." 

"I want an elephant." 

"Aftah that, we could add a big top an' a ringmaster, an' start chargin' admission." 

A sharp whistle halted their jumbled conversation. 

Logan looked around the quieted room. "Good. Now that I've got yer attention... How the hell do you kids go from 'We got a solution ta yer closet problem' ta 'We're installin' a waterfall, a sauna, an' an elephant'?" 

"Don' forget my ramp, dude." 

Bobby snickered. "How do you install an elephant?" 

"With a really big hole and a sledgehammer?" Kurt grinned in return. 

"You two, like, must've forgotten about the extra sensitive hearing, huh?" 

Both Kurt and Bobby turned to Kitty in confusion. 

"Vat are you talking about, Kit-- " He caught the snarl of displeasure on Logan's face. Quickly facing the Professor, Kurt said, "So closet solution, _ja?"_

The Professor once again took control of the meeting. "Yes. We've decided that in order to maximize the available closet space, you all will need to minimize the amount of possessions stored within." 

Silence fell across the room. 

"Uhh... what was that again?" 

"We should what?" 

"Is he thinking what I think he's thinking?" 

"Not if he's thinking what I think you're thinking he's thinking... I think." 

"Would it be possible for me to get a translator? For both you _and_ the Professor?" 

"No, seriously. What was that?" 

"You heard the Professor," Ororo said firmly. "You will all be cleaning out your rooms." 

Another silence fell. 

Followed by seven pairs of eyes blinking in disbelief. 

"Professor..." Scott began slowly. "Have you, by any chance, been possessed by an alien entity bent on world domination through cleanliness and healthy living?" 

Rogue whispered loudly, "Is that even possible?" 

"Which? The possession or the world domination?" Evan asked. 

"Th' first one." 

He nodded. 

"Really?" 

"Jus' ask Jean." 

She turned to the redhead. "Well?" 

"Yeah, it is." Jean looked at the younger girl. "We think it's happened before, but we aren't really sure." 

"Why not?" 

"Well to be honest, my memory's kind of hazy but I think I remember the Professor talking for the better part of a week with a French accent once. A _woman's_ French accent." 

Scott joined in. "That's not all. I caught him wearing a French maid's outfit _while_ speaking with the French accent." He shuddered. 

Kurt laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. "Dude... I don't know vat to say..." 

"Thanks, man." 

"In my own defense," the Professor interrupted, "that was an isolated incident. I assure you that I am _not_ being possessed by anyone or anything at this particular point in time." 

"Yeah, right. If you were being possessed, would you really, like, confess to it?" 

Bobby nodded. "I have to agree with her." 

"I don' know what you kids are gripin' about," Logan half-growled. "It's not like yer rooms couldn't stand a good shovelin' out." 

"Vat are we going to do with all ze stuff we want to get rid of? Have a garage sale?" asked Kurt somewhat dryly. 

Rogue snickered along with her brother. "Yeah, that'll be somethin' people 'round here haven't seen before, big ol' fancy mansion havin' a garage sale." 

Ororo stated simply, "We will be donating everything to various charities around Bayville. I'm sure there are a number of orphanages that could make good use of them." 

"I think I like the garage sale idea better," Bobby said, frowning. "At least then we could make a little money out of it." 

"Robert..." 

"Oh, like you guys weren't thinking the same thing." 

"Monetary gain is not the issue here," the Professor informed them. "Clearing out your rooms and removing any unnecessary items is. At the same time, we'll be helping others in need." He looked at each teen earnestly. "Now, Logan, Ororo and I have some business to attend to, so we will be gone for most of the day. When we return, we'll expect to see everything you want to be given away in the living room." 

Evan snorted. "Good luck, Kurt. With all that junk in your room, you'll be lucky to finish within a month." 

"An' no slackin' off either," warned Logan, as Ororo and the Professor left the room ahead of him. "If I come home an' someone's room ain't clean, heads are gonna roll." 

Once he was gone, Kitty commented, "Boy, Mr. Logan sure likes being dramatic." 

"Do you think zey were serious?" inquired Kurt. 

Scott rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Did Logan look like he was joking?" 

"They've never made us clean our rooms before," Jean put in. "I wonder what pushed them to do this." 

"Probably the smell coming from Bobby's room." 

"Shut up, Evan." 

"So how did ya meetin' go?" 

The occupants of the room looked up at the sound of the new voice. Remy stood in the doorway of the dining room, casually leaning against the frame. 

"How come you weren't, like, forced to attend?" 

He shrugged as he made his way across the room. Settling in the vacant seat next to Rogue, he said, "Maybe 'cause I jus' moved here an' don' have dat much junk in de first place." He smiled charmingly at Rogue, who scowled in return. 

"You mean they're not makin' you do anythin' t'day? While th' rest o' us have ta work on a _Saturday?"_

"If you want, _chère,_ I could help you wit' ya room." 

"No thanks, swamp rat. Ah know th' kind o' 'help' you like givin'." 

"Eww." Kitty made a face. "I, like, _so_ don't want to know what you're talking about." 

Kurt narrowed his eyes at Remy. "Neither do I." 

"Maybe we should get started," Scott suggested, breaking into their discussion and standing. "We need to be finished by the time they get back." 

Reluctantly, the rest of them stood and began filing out of the room. 

"What do you think Logan's gonna do if we don't clean up?" Bobby asked Evan as they made their way up the stairs. 

"I think 'heads are gonna roll' was a pretty accurate description." 

They heard a crash from the now vacant dining room. 

Evan turned to Bobby. "The fruit basket?" 

The other teen had the decency to look sheepish. "Yeah." 

"Looks like your head is gonna be first, dude." 

----

* The madness continues in Part II... ; ) 

* This has absolutely nothing to do with anything but... I JUST GOT HOME FROM WATCHING **X2!** (It opened two days earlier in my area, you see... : ) And how pathetic am I for being all excited at the mere sight of Remy's name on a computer screen. Just his _name_ and I'm happy... Pathetic, I tell you. Just _pathetic._ You'll have to forgive me if I am really, _really_ giddy at the moment. So giddy in fact, I just had to update this and another old story -- both of which, ironically, were only supposed to be one-shots. That's the power of the X-Men for you, making me so sickeningly cheerful that I just _had_ to write something... I'll get to work on the next chapter of _Hazard_ once this little movie-high dies down. I figure that'll be in a month or so... : ) 


	3. Spring Cleaning Madness Part II

**Disclaimer: **I started wondering, when was the last time I actually wrote a _serious_ disclaimer announcing the fact that these characters are not mine? I think it was about a year ago. Anyway, I didn't want to ruin my track record so please, by all means, don't take this one seriously either.

**A/N: **You'd think that I would have some form of Author's Notes to greet you all with. But alas, I've got nothing... ; )

~ me, Leigh, QK, vagabond, Kanshisha Tenshi, Susannah De Silva -- Thanks for the kind words! Now if you would all be so kind as to form an orderly line for the distribution of the review reward cookies. No, really -- I'm serious about the orderly part. The plot bunnies are real weird about that... : )

~ Misa1124 -- Oh, so laughing and talking out loud when no one's around is a bad thing? Hmm... note to self... : )

~ ishandahalf -- 1) Don't get used to the 2-posts-in-one-day thing. I think that was just an X2 high. Unfortunately, it'll probably take a miracle for something like that to happen again. 2) Yup, the identical blurb was sheer laziness. I'm subject to that now and then -- actually more now than then. 3) "tra la la la la..." *chuckle* That's right up there with "Gasp!" and the air quotes! 4) Okay, I'm backing away... slowly. Breathing. In. Out. Now running! *smack!* ... dammit... you never said anything about that wall being there...

~ Eileen Blazer -- You never told me you had a split personality! One side of you hating me while the other side doesn't. That's so cool. I want one!

~ missy42 -- 1) Hmm... do you and Misa1124 get paid to read fanfic at work? 'Cause it seems like both of you do and therefore, I want your job! 2) So I sent out Draco and Norbert to your rescue after you pissed off the disclaimers. Unfortunately, they got a little lost and ended up grabbing a pizza instead. Hope you weren't beaten to an unrecognizable bloody pulp! : ) 3) Glad to have you at the last poker game. But you know what? I think Sylvester cheated. He looked like he had a few cards up his sleev-- er, scales.

~ Blue_Pig -- I knew I had to get _at least_ one death threat somewhere! ; )

~ Katterree Fengari -- I'm surprised you only got lost on the elephant part. I pretty much figured I'd lose _everyone_ from the very beginning! ; )

~ Lcsaf -- Oh, Rogue most definitely has a thing for that Cajun! And if I had my way, she always will! *insert menacing laughter here*

~ Rachel -- Have you tried beating the review box with a stick to rid it of its evil ways? Works wonders, I tell you... : )

~ disease -- So _you're_ the reason that SWAT team came by the house a couple of weeks ago... : )

~ TrinityC -- Oh, yeah! X2 high _definitely_ helped the bounciness! ; )

**CHAPTER 3  
Spring Cleaning Madness  
Part II**

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"  
~ Steven Wright

"Argh! Evan was right. This is gonna take _at least_ a month... if we're even that lucky!" Bobby exclaimed, surveying what little progress they'd made in Kurt's room.

"Door's right there, _mein freund,_ you don't have to stay."

"Tell me again why I have to help you with _your_ room?"

Evan glanced up from the doorway where he'd just entered with several cardboard boxes in his hands. "'Cause Scott thought it would help move things along a little faster if we used 'teamwork.'" He joined them at the closet. "'Sides who would you rather be paired with, Scott and Jean, or Kitty and Rogue?"

"Good point. Poor Scott, having to deal with cleaning _and_ a girl. They get pretty weird about their stuff, you know."

"Dude, I don't think he'll be complaining all zat much, considering who he's cleaning with."

"You think they'll get anything done?"

"Ohhhh, yeeeaaah... but it won't be cleaning." Evan's statement earned a few snickers from his teammates.

"But you know," Bobby began, the first to break from the 'guy talk' mood, "this _is_ Scott we're talking about. He's no Gambit; he'll probably be the perfect gentleman."

Kurt canted his head to the side in thought. "You're right. Jean would tack his butt to ze wall if he tried anything."

"Ooh... kinky."

All three boys paused to mentally digest the image. Simultaneously, they shuddered.

"Dude, zat's not vat I meant! Zat was disgusting!"

"I know! What was I thinking?!"

"You weren't!" Bobby clamped his hands over his face. "My eyes! My eyes! Someone get me a power drill so I can bore the pictures out of my head!"

Immediately, Evan sobered. "Seriously, are you gonna do it? 'Cause I'd be all for that."

"Yeah, I'll do it -- right after I get a drain hole going in your skull. Next time you feel like sharing something like that, insert a Playboy Bunny or two, and not a couple of our teammates!"

They heard a knock on the bedroom door and turned to see Scott standing in the hallway.

"You guys don't look like you've gotten much done in the past half hour. You've got three rooms to do by the time the adults get..." He trailed off when he noticed the odd looks they were sending his way. "What? Why're you staring at me like that?"

"Uhh..." Evan stammered, trying to shake the image that once again popped into his mind. "No reason. Just... umm... admiring that sweater. Great color on you, man."

Scott frowned. "You've been hanging around Kitty too much, Ev." He turned to leave. "Hurry up, guys."

After he had disappeared down the hall, the three X-Men left in the room remained motionless. Bobby was the first to speak.

"I _seriously_ need that power drill right about now."

- oOo -

"Well, it's about time," Jean said with a smile as Scott came back into the room. "Did you have a run-in with Sabretooth or something?" she teased.

"Or something. Evan, Bobby and Kurt are teamed up together, remember? It'll be a miracle if they get half of Kurt's room done by the end of the day."

"I wouldn't worry too much about those three. They know what's waiting for them if they don't get it done. Logan was pretty clear on that one." She turned to assess Scott's bedroom. It was immaculately clean, without a carpet strand out of place. "You know your room is depressing me. You're neater than I am, and _I'm_ a girl. What are we going to be doing in here? Everything's already clean."

Scott walked over to his closet and opened the door. "We're not staying long. Just going to pick something up and then we're moving on to your room." He reached into the farthest corner, trying to push through the hanging clothes barring his way. He felt them part away from him, as if by magic. Over his shoulder, he called, "Thanks, Jean."

"No problem."

Pulling out a loaded box, he declared, "This is it."

"This is what?" she asked, peering down at the knick-knacks and neatly folded clothes.

"All the stuff I don't need anymore."

Jean looked at him in surprise. "You mean, you sorted through your stuff _before_ the Professor told us we had to? How did you know he was going to ask us to do that?"

"Actually," Scott began with a sheepish grin, "I do this all the time. Whenever I don't want anything anymore, or if something doesn't fit me, I throw it into this box. Saves on cleaning time."

She shot him another dubious look, seriously doubting that he 'threw' anything into the box, judging from how the items were systematically arranged. "Are you sure you're a teenager, Scott? 'Cause if you are, you're the oldest teenager I've ever met."

He didn't really know how to respond to her statement. Was that a compliment, or did she just insult him in some inconspicuous way? "So, I'll bring this downstairs and then meet you over in your room?" he asked instead, turning toward the door, box in hand.

"Okay." Jean's eyes wandered back to the closet. "Hey Scott, what about that box?"

"Which one?"

"This one," she said, telekinetically pulling it out. It was filled to the brim with videotapes and a few DVDs. "_The Three Stooges Collected Works?"_ Her questioning eyes met his.

"Umm... those aren't mine. They're Alex's," he explained.

"Alex..." She nodded slowly, as if trying to understand what he'd just said. "You mean your brother who lives _thousands_ of miles away... in Hawaii?"

"Yes. How many brothers do you think I have?"

"I don't know. Maybe you have a half-brother or something who lives in some far-off alien galaxy that we don't know about yet."

"That's a little farfetched, Jean," he stated, crossing over the threshold.

_And your explanation for the Stooges tapes wasn't?_ She mentally chuckled as she watched him disappear down the hall. Once again using her telekinesis, she returned the other box to its place in the closet and then left for her own room.

- oOo -

"We're _supposed_ to be helping each other, you know!"

"Ah _am_ helpin' you. Ah'm stayin' out o' yoah way."

"Rogue..." she whined, pitching her voice to an irritating level.

Her roommate rolled her eyes in disgust. "That's not gonna work, Kit-Kat. Ah ain't budgin'."

"All you have to do is, like, look over here and tell me if I should keep this blouse or not." Kitty shifted from one foot to the other impatiently. "I'm not gonna stop bugging you until you do."

Rogue shot a quick look over her shoulder and immediately declared, "Toss it."

"You didn't even look!"

"Ah saw enough. It's blindingly pink an' frilly an' could be used ta kill a bull dead in its tracks in three seconds flat. Toss it."

Kitty threw the offending article onto her bed where the rest of the 'discard' pile was accumulating. She pulled another one out of the closet and held it against her body. "What about this?"

"Girl, maybe you should get Jean ta play fashion consultant 'cause Ah'm not gettin' paid enough fo' this gig."

"C'mon, please! I can't get Jean! She's, like, busy playing house with Scott."

Rogue finally turned from where she was sorting through her CD collection. "Fine. But if you want mah help then that means gettin' rid o' ev'ry single piece o' clothin' in yoah wardrobe." She stood, intending to make good on her threat.

Kitty quickly blocked her path. "No, no, that's okay. I'll, like, figure this out on my own."

"Glad ta hear it."

The younger girl once again faced her closet. "What about shoes? Maybe I should get rid of some of those, too."

"Kitty," growled Rogue in annoyance.

"What? I'm not asking for your help. I'm just, like, thinking out loud."

"Well, do me a favor an' think a li'l quieter."

"You know, you're being a lot snappier than usual," she commented as she bent down to go through her footwear. Moving the first few boxes, she continued, "Ever since Gambit left the Acolytes and moved in with us, you've been -- Oh my God!" She dropped the shoeboxes in her hands and jumped back a good three feet. "Ew, EW, _EW!"_

"What's th' matter with you?" Rogue demanded from across the room. When Kitty did nothing but mutely point to a dark corner of the closet, she moved closer. "What?" Again Kitty pointed, this time with such an emphasized movement that Rogue thought her arm was going to separate from the rest of her body. Cautiously, Rogue stepped into the closet and opened the door fully, allowing the light to seep in. Using her booted foot, she nudged the fallen boxes away. What she saw caused her to jump back in revulsion.

"What _is_ it?" Kitty asked tentatively from behind her.

"It's one o' yoah out-o'-style shoes from last season."

Kitty scowled. "Be serious! What is it?"

"Ah think it's a rat."

"Gross! Like, get rid of it!"

"Me?! Why do Ah have ta do it? It's on yoah side o' th' closet. _You_ get rid o' it!"

"No way!"

"Look," Rogue reasoned, "all you'd have ta do is use yoah power an' phase it out o' here."

"That would mean I'd have to touch it! _No way!"_ She warily peered over her roommate's shoulder. "Is it even dead?" she whispered.

"Ah think so."

They both leaned in closer, studying the small patch of dirty gray fur on their closet floor. The creature's eyes were closed and for all intents and purposes it appeared to be dead.

Then it twitched.

And sent both girls screaming to the other side of the room.

Standing on top of her bed and ignoring the fact that she was trampling the clothes beneath her, Kitty yelled, "Do something!"

"What would you like me ta do? _Absorb_ it?!" Rogue snapped back from where she was plastered against the window.

"We can't just leave it there!"

"Says you!"

Without warning, their bedroom door was kicked open with a resounding bang. Gambit stood in the threshold with a fistful of glowing cards. His eyes quickly surveyed the room for potential danger.

"What happened?" he demanded, taking in the expressions on the girls' faces. "Heard you scream from down de hall."

They pointed wordlessly.

Curious for the reason of their demeanor and tense stances, Remy moved swiftly towards the closet. His eyes then widened in horror. "_Mon Dieu!"_ he gasped.

Kitty leaned forward when she saw his body go rigid. "Do you see it?"

He nodded. Pulling out a glittery, short-sleeved blouse in a loud turquoise color, he shuddered and said, "My _Tante_ Mattie had somet'in' jus' like dis... from three decades ago."

Jumping down from her perch, Kitty stalked over to him and yanked the garment away. "It was a present from my godmother!"

"What, some thirty years before you were born?"

Rogue glared at both of them. "Are you two done goofin' around yet?"

Turning back to the closet, Remy inquired, "What is it dat I'm s'pposed t'be lookin' for here? 'Sides all dis girly, flower-power fluff."

"I am, like, so close to phasing you into the wall and leaving you there permanently!"

Remy took another look into the closet and then snorted when he saw the cause of their distress. "Is dat what all de fuss is about? One li'l mouse?"

"It ain't a mouse; it's a rat th' size o' th' _Titanic!"_

"Y'know, I never pegged you t'be de squeamish, dainty type, _chère."_ He grinned wryly at her.

"Ah ain't!"

"Oh really?" retorted Kitty. "Well, I guess I was the only one that jumped across the room then, huh?"

"Shut up, Kit." She turned her attention back to Remy. "Are you gonna get rid o' it or not?"

As if debating the situation, he casually leaned against the closet opening, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I dunno..."

Rogue rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

"I mean," continued Remy, ignoring her, "I'm a t'ief at heart, ladies. Dere's gotta be some kind o' trade-off here f'r me t' even consider gettin' involved."

Without hesitation, Kitty ordered, "Rogue, show the man some leg."

"What?!"

"Hey, dat's not a bad -- "

"Fo'get it; it ain't gonna happen!"

"The way I see it we only have two options here," reasoned Kitty. "And one of them involves living with a decaying rodent in our closet that will eventually stink up the entire room. So, like," she gestured to the lower half of her roommate's body, "show the man some leg."

Rogue glared at her. "Why don' you?"

"'Cause I have a feeling I'm not the one he wants to see."

"Don' be too hasty 'bout dat, _petite,"_ Remy interjected. "If de two o' you wanted t'strip right here an' now, I wouldn't be completely against it."

With a scowl, Rogue hissed, "Yoah disgustin'."

"_Non,_ jus' a red-blooded Cajun boy wit' a healthy appetite f'r de opposite sex."

"Yeah, like Ah said... disgustin'."

"Well? Are you going to do it?" Kitty shot the question to both Rogue and Gambit, simultaneously asking if they had a deal.

"Ovah mah dead body."

Remy shrugged. "Well, if dat's de case..." He moved towards the bedroom door.

In a panic, Kitty blurted out, "Wait!" Once he'd turned back to her, she motioned him over to her bed several feet away from where Rogue stood. She began whispering furiously into his ear, making sure to cup her hand around her mouth so that Rogue couldn't decipher what was being said.

Breaking away from her, Remy raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

His co-conspirator nodded. "I swear." She held up her right hand as emphasis.

"What're you two up to?" demanded Rogue.

"Nothing," Kitty shot back hurriedly. She held out her hand to Remy. "Deal?"

"_Oui."_ They shook on it and Remy once again moved towards the bedroom door. "I'll go get somet'in' t'pick dat critter up wit'."

When he was gone, Rogue stomped over to the other girl. "What did you tell him?"

"I'm sorry, Rogue, but the details of our conversation are, like, confidential."

"Kitty..." she warned, a dangerous tone sliding into her voice.

The young brunette gulped and took a step back. She didn't think the evil glint in the southerner's eyes was a good sign.

----

Hi, all! The last part of this particular Madness should be up in a few days. I got carried away again and had to slice it in half because it was getting too long for one chapter. The good news is, the next part is halfway done already, so it shouldn't take long to finish -- if we're _really_ lucky, that is. : ) Once that's done, I promise to get to work on the next chapter of _Hazard._ Lord knows I can't stay away from my Rogue and Remy stories for too long! ; )


	4. Spring Cleaning Madness Part III

**Disclaimer: **Is it possible to take an ad out in the paper for an _unwanted_ disclaimer? I'm trying to get rid of mine...

**A/N: **Can you guess what time it is right now? Okay, so maybe you can't, but let's just say it's _really_ late at night and I'm doing Author's Notes. Where exactly did my life go wrong, I'd just like to ask... : )

~ Taineyah, Jean1, Carla, Panther Nesmith, Goddess Evie, Solitaire, Malexi, Qk -- You've all been sucked into the madness, too. *shakes head regretfully* More innocent lives claimed... it's so tragic. *sniff, sniff*

~ Crimson -- Coolness! The madness almost disrupted the keyboard-mastering process!

~ Jen1703 -- Wow, a Scott and Jean reader! That is so cool! I knew I wanted those two in the fic, but to be honest, when I got them here it was like I didn't know what to do with them. Rest assured though, I'm trying... : )

~ Alwaysright -- So did you _really_ stay all this time in that tent or were you just bluffing? : )

~ sylvester -- "why didn't Rogue just scream for someone else if she didn't want Remy to help cause of the requests??" For the same reason the boys didn't get to worm their way out of buying the pads -- it would just be too easy. And we can't let them have it easy, now can we? Where's the fun in that? : )

~ ishandahalf -- 1) *places string in front of ish and waits for insanity to ensue* 2) Okay... Scott-and-Jean Rant #253, check. 3)*gasp!* The pink and frilly things can reproduce?! Oh good Lord, we're no longer safe on this world! 4) 3 days? It was dead for 3 days and you didn't notice?! That's a new level even for you, my friend. : ) 5) So you're gonna have to chose... Which will it be 'Madness' or 'Hazard'? 'Cause frankly, you can't have both. It's just not fair... to me! My poor writing brain can only do so much! ; )

~ Lisa -- I'm usually called evil, so crazy is a refreshing change of pace! ; ) And what a nice Willy Wonka quote. That's going straight into my collection. The Wonka bar, however, will probably go straight to my hips, delicious though it was... *sigh* You just can't win sometimes...

~ Leina -- *evil grin* Wow, _excellent_ guess! But I had something slightly different in mind... ; )

~ Devilish Kurumi -- Whoo-hoo! 'Madness' got on someone's favorites list! Can I offer you some form of payment for your generousity? How do you feel about sports cars? A house in the Caribbean? : )

~ Eileen Blazer -- Scott's Three Stooges tape was actually mentioned in the comics. It was the issue where Remy was helping Scott move his and Jean's things into the boathouse. I would give you the specific issue number, but you know how lazy I am... : )

~ Kanshisha Tenshi -- 1) You know what? I wasn't even thinking when I typed out that power drill line -- or the rest of this fic, for that matter! ; ) But I remembered thinking "What an interestingly brutal way to commit suicide" when Stryker was explaining his wife's death in X2, so maybe it was written subconsciously. 2) "I think we fans are driving you like a slave." Finally! Someone who understands! *drops to knees and weeps* You won't _believe_ what I've been through!

~ TrinityC -- Ahh... movie-Wolvie... Hugh Jackman... *fantasizes*... I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?

**CHAPTER 4  
Spring Cleaning Madness  
Part III**

~ You know what seems odd to me?  
Numbers that aren't divisible by two. ~

Bobby looked up from where he was messily folding Kurt's giveaway clothes. "Did you guys hear that?"

"Vat?"

"It sounded like someone screaming."

"Man, stop trying to weasel out of helping," Evan chided as he pulled a strange contraption out of the closet. It was a long black hose with a large rectangular attachment at one end. "Kurt, what the heck is this thing?"

"Oh, zat's my Flowbee Haircutting System. I bought it from ze Home Shopping Network."

Bobby and Evan exchanged glances.

"Haircutting System?" Bobby asked warily.

"_Ja._ You hook zat end up to ze vacuum cleaner, and zen you -- "

"The vacuum?!"

Kurt nodded cheerily, oblivious to the disbelieving expressions that were cemented on his friends' faces. "Zen you put zis end up to your body..." He took the device from Evan and demonstrated, positioning it against his head. "Ze vacuum sucks ze hair up to ze blades and zen takes care of ze clippings, too. No-mess haircut!" he declared with a flourish. "It was really a good buy."

"Obviously," Evan commented, though Kurt didn't catch the sarcasm in his voice.

"It's also great with fur."

"Fur?"

"_Ja._ You think it's easy trimming all zis blue stuff every week?"

"I actually didn't know it even _grew..."_

"Duh, man." Kurt rolled his eyes and went back to sorting through his clothes.

"So you're... keeping this?" Evan inquired tentatively.

"Of course."

"Hey, Kurt," Bobby called. "Just out of curiosity, what else have you bought off TV?"

"Vell, zat corner shelf over zere. It's called a Bright Shelf -- "

"How appropriate," quipped Evan.

Not the least bit deterred by the wry remark, Kurt continued. "It can be installed in ze shortest amount of time, not requiring any tools and holds up to nine pounds! Plus it's got a warm atmospheric lighting for a comfortable and relaxing mood."

"He's starting to _sound_ like an infomercial," Bobby whispered to Evan.

"You mean it's freaking you out, too?"

"Zen zere's my Contour Secret Pillow." Kurt walked over to his bed and extracted the said item from underneath the covers. "It cradles your head and shoulders -- "

"The shampoo?"

" -- and supports the natural alignment of your spine. Helps you to sleep better." The young German then walked over to his dresser and opened the top drawer. He took out a small, colored jar. "And zis is called Blue Relief."

"Umm... to relieve you of your blueness?"

"Good for body aches, chronic pain, arthritis -- "

"Dude, how old are you, like sixty-three? Why do you have to worry about arthritis?"

" -- backaches -- "

"Wouldn't that be included in 'body aches' already? Unless, of course, the back isn't considered part of the body anymore..."

" -- leg cramps -- "

"Why? Is it _that_ time of the month?"

" -- and insect bites. I use it after our Danger Room sessions."

"Yeah, 'cause you know there're a lot of insects biting in there," Bobby snickered.

"Sure you laugh now," Kurt said, closing the drawer back up again. "But vait until Logan has you in another Level 7 sim with all ze trimmings. Zen ve'll see..."

A noise from down the hall caught their attention.

"See! I told you I heard something!"

"Whatever it is, man, it's coming from the girls' side of the mansion. And I, for one, don't want to get involved."

"I agree with Evan. Remember vat happened ven ve came home from ze market?" Kurt shuddered. "Ze ringing in my ears lasted for a week."

"Yeah, who would've known that four women could make such a fuss over sanitary pads?"

Wordlessly, Evan and Kurt raised their hands.

"Well, then the whole thing was your fault."

- oOo -

"Umm... Jean?" Scott's voice came from behind the mountain of clothes in his arms. "Where do these go?"

"Oh, just set them down next to the rest," she replied, vaguely gesturing towards an identical mountain on her bed.

"Are you... keeping all of these?" Scott almost whimpered from the loss of weight on his person.

"No. I'm getting rid of some."

"Which?"

"The ones over there."

He looked in the direction she indicated. There were a handful of items sitting on her desk chair that couldn't have amounted to more than ten pieces. "You're kidding..."

Jean looked up. "What was that?"

"Er... nothing." He walked up to her. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorting through my makeup."

He frowned in confusion. "You're giving away your makeup?"

"No, silly." She smiled at his ignorance. "Who would want to use someone else's old makeup? I'm just throwing out the stuff I don't want anymore."

Again, Scott looked at her 'discard' pile and found that precious little had actually been discarded. _Well, at least we're making good progress,_ he thought as he surveyed the semi-cleaned room. _All we have to do is tidy things up and then we're done. I wonder if the rest of the team is even close to --_

"Scott, could you help me with this?" Jean called from the inside of her closet.

He came up behind her. "With what?"

"The rest of my stuff."

With yet another frown, Scott asked, "What stuff?" The small space was next to bare, with all the contents spewed throughout the bedroom.

Jean reached for the back wall and ran her hand over its surface until she felt a knob. Giving it a hard twist to the left, she stepped away. To Scott's dumbfounded amazement, the wood paneling easily slide aside to reveal another room equal in size, if not bigger, than the one behind them. What really set him cringing to his very core was when Jean flipped on the light switch, illuminating nothing but wall-to-wall clothes, footwear, bags and accessories.

It was every woman's fantasy.

And every man's nightmare.

"What... what's this?" he stammered, grabbing onto the doorframe for support.

"My walk-in closet," replied Jean cheerily. She stepped into the room and began pointing. "Now, I think we should start here and work our way over to the center..."

She didn't notice her 'little helper' slipping out into the hall in desperation, as if his life depended on it.

- oOo -

Remy was just coming up the main staircase when he noticed Scott slinking out of Jean's room.

"Escapin' de mayhem, _mon ami?"_ he asked with a sly wink. "If you were any kind o' smart, you'd be tryin' t'sneak inta Jeannie's room instead o' out o' it."

With a gesture, Scott shushed the other boy into silence before pulling him further down the hall. "Not so loud! She might hear you. Then she'll have _both_ of us sorting through her closet!"

Remy cocked an eyebrow. "An' dat's bad?"

"She's got one of the walk-in kinds." He shook his head in disbelief. If Remy didn't know any better, he would have sworn he saw genuine terror in Scott's eyes. "Or maybe a walk-in _house_ would be more accurate. Shelf after shelf of clothes and even more clothes. How can she possibly wear all that stuff?"

"Ahh, but dat's why we love 'em, _n'est-ce pas?"_ Remy slung an arm over Scott's shoulder and began pulling him towards his original destination. "C'mon. You c'n hide out wit' me in de girls' room, an' at de same time play knight in shinin' armor."

Scott finally took note of the broom and dustpan in Remy's hand. "What're those for?"

"Tactical tools t'get de girl, _homme."_

"How cliché," Scott mumbled dryly. "You're going to sweep Rogue off her feet... literally? Don't you think carrying her out in a dustpan will be a little hard to do?"

"So dat's de sense o' humor Bobby was warnin' me about? I c'n see why he was so concerned."

"It's about time!" they heard Kitty yell once they came into view. She sat Indian-style on top of her bed, arms crossed against her chest. Rogue stood nearby with a pillow, ready to pounce once she un-phased even a portion of her body. "Get her away from me."

"Quit bein' a chicken, Kit-Kat, an' take yoah beatin' like an X-Man!"

Scott stepped in. "What's going on?"

"Li'l traitor girl here made some kind o' deal with swamp rat ovah there an' she won't tell me what it was!"

"It's, like, none of your business!"

"It is when you sell me out, you double-crossin', scum-suckin' -- !"

"Enough with the name calling already! I did what I had to do to get that _thing_ out of our room!"

"By sellin' me out?! How twisted is that?"

"I didn't, like, sell you out!"

"You did to-- "

Holding up his hands, Scott reasoned, "Does it even really matter?"

"Yes!" both girls shouted together, then returned to glaring daggers at each other.

Scott glanced over his shoulder at Remy, who was busy scooping the unwanted creature into the dustpan. "Why am I not surprised that you're involved in this mess?"

The Cajun shrugged. "Havin' two girls fightin' over me? What c'n I say, _mon ami?_ It's a talent." He carefully climbed over the skewed shoeboxes and exited the closet. When Kitty and Rogue finally noticed his movements, they scrambled across the room faster than he could blink.

Sighing, Scott said, "What's the matter with you two? You've faced off with Sabretooth, Magneto, and mutant-haters, but you can't even stand to look at one little -- Holy crap, it moved!" He jumped back when the rodent jerked slightly.

"Ah'm sorry, Scottie, what were you sayin'?"

"Yeah, I, like, couldn't hear you over all the girlish screaming."

Realizing his blunder, Scott straightened and cleared his throat. "Umm... I'll... I'll get rid of that for you, Gambit." With only a moment's hesitation, he took the dustpan from Remy, holding it a few inches from his body, and walked out the door.

- oOo -

"How much time do we have left?" questioned Bobby as they made a mad dash for Evan's room.

Kurt checked his watch. "About five hours. Is zat enough?"

"Considering it took us the whole morning just to do your room? Not a snowball's chance in hell."

Evan rounded a corner and stopped in front of his bedroom door. "No sweat, dudes. I already know what I'm getting rid of, so all we'll be doing is putting things away." He twisted the doorknob and stepped in.

His room, in one word, was a mess.

Bobby hung his head in defeat. "Like I said, snowball's chance, man."

- oOo -

"... and when we're done with that, then we can organize everything by color. Or would it be better if we did them by season?" Jean turned around. "What do you think? ... Scott?" She snuck a peak into the other room. "Scott?"

- oOo -

Disposing of the rat -- though in Scott's opinion it was more the size of a small dog -- had been more difficult than he thought it would be. He at first was going to simply throw it in the garbage cans outside, which would be picked up early the next morning anyway, but apparently the half-dead creature had other ideas. Not only did it dive off the dustpan at the very last second, it also started to twitch its way to freedom -- inch by painstakingly slow inch. Torn between a morbid fascination at the last ditch effort to save itself, and complete and utter disgust, Scott finally came to a decision. He would have to put the poor thing out of its misery. The only question was, how did he go about doing that? Squishing it beneath his shoe was definitely not an option. He really didn't want to deal with the guts and internal organs splattering everywhere. And bashing it over the head with the dustpan seemed inhumane. In the end, he settled for using his powers to blast it into nothing. It would be quick, clean and easy -- and no one would know that he was too squeamish to do it any other way.

With that now behind him, Scott made his way back up to Kitty and Rogue's room. He still wasn't ready to go and face Jean, with her own personal planet of clothing, so he was heeding Gambit's advice and hiding out until the coast was clear.

He passed through the doorway and stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed the Cajun digging through something that he shouldn't have been in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he demanded.

Remy calmly swung around at the sound of his voice. "What does it look like I'm doin', _homme?_ I'm researchin'."

Scott strode over to the other boy and slammed the drawer shut, nearly taking Remy's fingers off in the process. "It looks like you're going through Rogue's underwear drawer."

With an unapologetic snicker, Remy commented, "Man's got a good eye."

"What are you, twelve years old? This isn't summer camp and you aren't orchestrating a panty raid."

"What's de matter, _mon ami?_ Not like I'm doin' anyt'in' illegal. Jus' havin' a li'l clean fun." Remy leaned against the dresser and, pulling out one of Rogue's panties from his pocket, began twirling it around his index finger.

Scott tried to snatch it away from him. "Nothing illegal, huh? So I guess those just jumped into your jeans?"

"_Oui._ C'n I help it if de _femme,_ along wit' her unmentionables, are attracted t'me like a magnet?"

"Put those back!"

"_Non."_ Remy once again dodged Scott's attempt, easily sidestepping out of his reach. "Gotta be quicker dan dat, Cyke." With little effort, he pulled the drawer back open, causing Scott to slam into it with his stomach when he lunged for the Cajun again. "Ouch," Remy said sympathetically. "Couple o' inches lower an' Jeannie would've been one unhappy girlfriend."

Scott's only response was a sharp moan.

"I agree wit' you, Scottie. Rogue sure does have fine taste," he murmured, fingering a black-laced bra. "Sure you don' wan' join in de fun? Lots o' eye candy t'choose from." He picked out several items. "What's ya pleasure? Sports bra or cotton panties? I'd let you see de juicier stuff, _homme,_ but let's face it, I'd rip ya head off first."

"Cut it out, Gambit," Scott rasped as the proffered pieces were shoved into his face. "Rogue's like a sister to me."

Remy grinned at that. "Good t'know. Least I don' have t'worry 'bout you gettin' any stupid ideas when it comes t'her." He expertly re-folded the underwear precisely as he'd found them. "Tell you what, one o' dese days we'll raid Jeannie's drawer an' see what we find dere. She's got t'have some interestin' t'ings, eh?"

Before Scott could reply, there was a small gasp from the door. Kitty stood there with a tray of sandwiches in one hand and a six-pack of soda in the other.

"What are you doing?" she asked, suspicious that they were at Rogue's bureau. When she noticed exactly which drawer was open, her eyes widened. "Oh my God!" she practically screamed. "She is, like, so gonna kill yo-- !"

Remy's hand over her mouth successfully cut her off. With his boot, he kicked the door shut and then dragged her into the center of the room. "Where is she?"

"Mmmmhhhfff!" When Remy removed his hand, she pushed the sodas towards him and began flexing her jaw where his grip had been. "What are we, like, some two-bit mobster movie or something? Or you gonna shine a spotlight into my face while interrogating me? That hurt, Remy."

"An' ya screechin' didn't?" He twisted a soda can from the pack and then tossed the rest over to Scott. After popping it open and taking a swig, he inquired again, "Where is she?"

"Downstairs, getting the cardboard boxes." She cried out in indignation when Remy reached for one of the sandwiches. "Hey, that's _our_ lunch! Fifty bucks fine for any looters!"

"It is better t'give, _petite."_

"Yeah, and I'll just bet you were doing nothing but 'giving' in Rogue's underwear drawer."

"_Oui._ I was givin' myself de grand tour."

"That's not what she's gonna say," Kitty chirped in a singsong voice as she offered the food to Scott. "The way I see it, Rogue will beat you senseless... _if_ she finds out."

"You tryin' t'say somet'in', _chèrie?"_

"I'm saying that Scott and I are, like, key witnesses to a crime." She smiled saccharinely. "Which means only one thing -- blackmail."

Remy snorted. "Ya got not'in'." He nodded in Scott's direction. "'Specially boy scout over dere. If he tries t'say anyt'in', I'll let it slip t'Jeannie dat he's got some o' her underwear stashed in his room."

"What?! I do not!"

"Ahh, but you could," Remy pointed out. "An' you _will_ if you so much as peep anyt'in' t'Rogue." He turned to Kitty. "An' as f'r you, _petite._ How d'you t'ink Rogue'll feel when she hears 'bout dat li'l t'ing you promised me dis mornin' after de whole mouse incident, hmm?" His grin was sickeningly cocky.

"You wouldn't dare!" Kitty hissed.

"Try me."

Scott settled onto the foot of Rogue's bed, eating his sandwich and watching the other two occupants of the room square off. "You gotta admit, Kitty, he's got us pegged."

"You..." she seethed at her crimson-eyed teammate. "You nasty, pigheaded... arrogant little thief!"

"Yoah only boostin' his ego with words like that, Kit," Rogue declared from the door, dumping boxes onto the carpet. "Try callin' him an honest person with morals an' integrity, an' we can watch his head explode."

"You wound me, _mignonne."_

"An' yoah makin' mah life a livin' hell, swamp rat," she retorted. "Ah bet yoah th' one with th' bright idea ta shut th' door on me."

"Why is it always de Cajun boy dat's de first suspect?"

"Maybe because it usually _is_ you?" Scott offered helpfully.

"Dat's beside de point..."

- oOo -

"Time?!" Kurt called out frantically, all but throwing another one of Evan's skateboards into the back of the closet.

"Dude! Be careful with that!" Evan started forward. But before he could go any further, Bobby stepped in front of him.

"Now, Evan, what did we discuss?" The tone he used sounded like a kindergarten teacher scolding an unruly student.

Evan scowled. "That I couldn't help with the closet."

"And why is that exactly?"

"Because I'd spend the entire time admiring the 'boards instead of actually cleaning up, thereby setting us back on time, and eventually leading to Logan's version of 101 Ways to Torture Teenagers," he recited dutifully, ending with a sigh.

"Good boy." Bobby looked around, patting Evan on the head as the other youth settled back onto the mattress. "Kurt, what did you do with those doggy treats we've been feeding him?"

"Shut up, man."

Kurt, in a near panic, cried, "Quit playing around, you guys! How much time do ve have until ze adults get home?"

Bobby glanced at the desk clock. "A little under an hour and a half."

"You're kidding?!" With little ceremony, he heaved the rest of Evan's skateboarding gear into the closet. "Okay, zat's ze last of it. Vhere's ze giveaway stuff?"

Evan held up a pair of slightly worn elbow pads.

"Zat's it?! Ve spent ze last three and a half hours cleaning zis room and zat's all you could come up with?"

Shrugging, Evan answered, "Hey, what can I say, man? My needs are simple. Just give me a solid 'board and some cool tunes and I'm good to go."

"I swear," the young German mumbled under his breath as he marched out of the room, "zis teamwork stuff is _not_ one of Scott's brighter ideas."

- oOo -

"Jean, I said I was sorry!" pleaded Scott as he followed the angry redhead down the staircase. "I can only say it so many times!"

"Well, you can keep saying it until you're blue in the face, Scott Summers. I'm not speaking to you." Three cardboard boxes, filled to capacity, floated in the air immediately behind her, effectively preventing Scott from getting any closer. "And I'll thank you to keep your distance from me."

Ignoring the request, he pressed, "Jean, try and see things from my perspective. I'm a guy; what do I know about clothes?"

"You wear them, don't you?" she shot back as they entered the living room. She was mildly surprised to see Gambit already there, lounging in an armchair, his feet propped up on the coffee table. He was lazily flipping through a magazine.

"Yes, but I've never sorted them further than the 'shirts,' 'socks,' 'pants' and 'shoes' categories. I couldn't tell you the difference between royal blue, midnight blue and periwinkle if you explained it to me extensively in a ten-page report!" He turned to their as-of-yet silent observer and said, "Help me out here, Gambit."

"Sure t'ing," the Cajun replied looking up from the page he was skimming. "Midnight blue is a lot darker dan royal blue, an' periwinkle -- "

"You're _not_ helping."

Remy nonchalantly returned to his reading. "Seriously, Jeannie, all you've got t'do is look at de _homme_ t'know he's got no fashion sense."

"Hey!"

"I mean, look at him." He gestured vaguely in Scott's direction. "What's wit' dat shirt, Scottie? It's jus' as bad as de one I fished out o' Kitty's closet dis mornin'."

"I'll have you know this was a present from my -- "

"Let me guess -- godmother? What, she gon' put a gun t'ya head if you don' wear it? Honestly, _mon ami,_ a bullet t'de brain is a lot better dan wearin' dat where people c'n see you."

Jean, who had been scrutinizing Scott's appearance throughout Remy's little speech, pursed her lips thoughtfully and said, "You know what? I think you're right, Remy. Thank you." She walked over to Scott and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him sweetly on the lips. "You're forgiven. I won't ever ask you to help me sort through my wardrobe again." Smiling, she released him and then announced, "I'll go upstairs and get the rest of my boxes."

When she was gone, Scott turned to Remy. "I don't know if I should thank you for the save or punch you for the insult."

"Ya welcome t'start a fight, _homme._ It'd be a good excuse t'get ya girlfriend t'nurse you back t'health after I kick ya ass." He nodded to the second floor landing where Jean had already disappeared from view. "De rest o' her boxes? How many more does she have?"

"Six."

Remy's eyebrows shot up in question. "So dat means her closet's almost empty, _non?_ She got rid o' most o' her stuff?

Sadly, Scott shook his head. "Only about a fourth. And I heard her talking to Kitty about a shopping spree next weekend."

Remy winced at that announcement. "Better make other plans real quick, Leader-Boy. Else you gon' find yaself smack-dab in boyfriend hell."

"Speaking of which," Scott said, changing the topic. "Where's Rogue? I thought she and Kitty were finished with their room already?"

The other teen pointed a finger skyward, indicating the floor above them. "'Freshin' up aftah all that unjust slavery.'" He imitated Rogue's Mississippi accent to perfection. "She's takin' a shower. Unfortunately, she won't let me watch."

"And I bet you're just devastated by that fact," remarked Scott dryly as he took a seat on the couch.

"Positively heartbroken."

- oOo -

_I'm, like, pretty sure she's gonna kill me. She's gotten back at people for things that could be considered pinpricks compared to this. What in the world was I thinking promising this to Remy? I mean, I'm, like, a fairly smart person. Where was my brain when I really needed it? I think it's safe to say that I'm gonna be one dead cat before the night is over. If I'm lucky she'll only kill me once, and not "twenty ways from Sunday" like she usually promises. Maybe it'll be quick and painless, with as little bloodshed and torture as possible. And if I'm __**really**__ lucky, maybe she'll even let me say my goodbyes first, too._

Kitty sighed as she reached into the chest of drawers. _Like, who'm I kidding? This is Rogue I'm talking about here! _

_She's gonna kill me..._

- oOo -

"Are we gonna make it?!" Bobby yelled as he threw yet another load of clothing into one of his dresser drawers. "Well? Are we?"

Evan glanced up. "We will if we get done in the next thirty minutes, man." Turning to Kurt, who was standing with him next to the closet, he asked, "Ready?"

Kurt nodded, holding up a rolled-up sleeping bag in front of him as if it were a shield. "_Ja."_

"Okay, here we go." Evan carefully opened the closet door, allowing only a few inches space. "Hurry! Start pushing!"

"I can't! You're going to have to open ze door wider!"

"No can do, man. Any wider and we'll be dealing with an avalanche of the non-Brotherhood variety!"

Bobby stopped for a moment to observe them. "Wouldn't it have been easier if you geniuses put the sleeping bag in before everything else?"

"Vouldn't it have been easier if you didn't have so much useless junk?"

"Oh, I'm getting heat from a guy with a Home-TV-Shopping addiction?"

"Zey were all very good deals!" Kurt shot back hotly, momentarily weakening his hold on the sleeping bag. His lack of attention caused several items to come tumbling out of the gap, one of which nearly crashed into Evan's foot.

"Dude! For the love of crap -- focus! I almost lost my big toe to that Magic Eight Ball!"

Kurt returned to the task of cramming the last item into the already full storage space. "I thought ze point of zis day was to get rid our things," he heaved. "Vhy does it seem like Bobby has gotten more stuff without even trying?"

"'Cause most of this junk was on the floor when we started?" Evan proposed, putting all of his weight against the protesting wood.

"Are you guys talking behind my back in front of me?" asked Bobby, joining in the struggle. Resting his shoulder against the unwilling sleeping bag, he helped Kurt pack it in the remaining few inches. With a reverberating slam, they were finally able to shut the closet door.

"You think it'll give?" questioned Evan with a clear expression of worry on his face. "With all that junk we shoved in there..."

"Ve don't really have a choice now. Ze adults vill be home soon."

"Maybe we should lock it... just in case." Bobby walked over to his nightstand and extracted a small brass key from the drawer. Inserting it into the appropriate hole, he twisted it with a click. "There. I think we're done." He turned to grin at his teammates. "Now who said we couldn't clean three rooms in one day?"

"Umm... zat would be you, _mein freund."_

Bobby shrugged. "Yeah, but what do I know?"

- oOo -

"'I have homework I need to take care of'?"

Remy shook his head. "It makes you sound like you _want_ t'study..." His eyes glanced over to Scott. "But den again, you like doin' dat, don' you?"

"What about 'I have plans with the guys'?"

"Looks like dey're more important t'you dan her an' her shoppin' needs."

"I could always pull the 'I don't feel so good' routine."

"Den you'll have t'make good on dat." At Scott's curious look, Remy explained further. "Ya gon' have t' _act_ sick so she'll buy it -- f'r an entire day at de very least. Dat means no leader duties an' no Danger Room sessions." The young Cajun almost laughed at the crestfallen expression on Scott's face.

"Well, what would _you_ do if Rogue asked you to go shopping with her?"

"Ahh, dat's de beauty o' my girl, Scottie, she ain't de shoppin' type. I don' have such problems."

"Okay, what would you do if you had my problem?"

"I'd see a specialist 'cause I'm guessin' dat stick up ya ass hurts."

One of the throw pillows somehow found a way to slam into Remy's face... hard.

A grin flashed. "Sensitive 'bout de stick, eh?" Remy casually tossed the pillow back onto the couch next to Scott.

"What if I tell her I can't go shopping because I'm planning something special for her?"

Remy nodded his approval. "Pretty good, Summers. 'Course ya gon' actually have t'do somet'in' special t'cover yaself -- "

A sharp scream caught their attention. They both turned to stare up the staircase. Hard footsteps could be heard pounding rhythmically against the carpet. They didn't have to wait long to recognize the cause.

Kitty, with a flushed face and a slightly fearful look, raced down towards them. Screeching to a halt in front of Gambit, she thrust a small object into his hands. In what seemed like a single breath, she blurted, "Here. She, like, nearly got me in the back of the head with a hairbrush. I'm lucky she had to stop and get dressed before she came after me 'cause she would've caught me for sure since I can't, like, use my powers with that thing. We're square now, right? Deal's over and done with?"

Before Remy could reply, a voice boomed from the upstairs landing. "Katherine Pryde, you are so deader than dead!" Rogue's still-wet hair flew out behind her as she descended the steps three at a time.

"Shoot! Gotta go!" Kitty quickly activated her intangibility and ran through the wall into the next room.

"You ain't gettin' away that easy, you li'l snitch!"

"You're stirring up trouble again, LeBeau?" Scott asked as he watched Rogue disappear after her fleeing roommate.

"Always, _mon ami..._ always."

"Always what?" questioned Jean as she came into the living room, telekinetically setting the last of her boxes next to the fireplace.

"Always the wild card," Scott replied. More footsteps sounded from the second floor and they were soon joined by Kurt, Evan and Bobby. "Finished, guys?"

Kurt looked hurt. "Vas zere ever any doubt zat we would finish?"

"Actually, there was _every_ doubt that you would finish."

Clutching at his chest in agony, Bobby cried dramatically, "Oh, the pain of knowing our fearless leader has such little faith in us! How will we ever go on?"

"Like, give it up, Rogue! You can't even touch me when I'm phasing!" Kitty yelled as she ran past the living room.

"You can't keep that up fo'ever, sweetheart! An' as soon as yoah solid, yoah dead!"

Evan shot a thumb in their direction. "What's up with them?"

"That's something you should ask Gambit," Scott told him, facing their Cajun teammate for an explanation.

Remy simply grinned mischievously.

Pointing to the object in Gambit's hand, Kurt inquired, "Vat's zat?"

"Payment," he evasively answered.

Scott raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you even going to check it? How do you know Kitty didn't hold out on you?"

"If Rogue is _this_ pissed at whatever's in his hand, then I'd say Kitty did what she was supposed to do... whatever that was," Bobby commented, following the girls' mad dash around the first floor as best he could. He winced when Rogue almost slammed into an end table after a particularly sharp turn.

"Well?" Evan demanded. "Are you gonna show us or what?"

"'Course not, _homme._ Dis is private." Remy lifted the item so that he could look it over, successfully shielding it from the others' view. He glanced down at his reward and nearly dropped to his knees in shock. "_Mon Dieu."_

There, on the screen of Kitty's digital camera, was a clear picture of Rogue -- or more specifically, Rogue stepping out of the shower in nothing but a crisp white towel. One hand gingerly held the scant cloth to her chest, barely covering what needed to be covered, as her head tilted slightly to the side, eyes downcast to carefully watch her step. Her cinnamon and cream hair was slicked back with moisture, while the steam from the hot water wafted around her body like silent ghosts. Struck speechless, Remy could do nothing but gape at the image.

Until he heard a loud gasp from behind him.

Whirling around, he came face to face with Kurt, who had apparently teleported behind him to get a glimpse at what was so "private."

"You... pervert!" he yelled, anger flashing in his yellow eyes. "Zat's my sister!"

Remy was off like a shot, camera firmly in his grasp. "_Mon ami,_ you got t'calm down..." He barely prevented himself from colliding with Kitty, who was running in the opposite direction. "It's not what you t'ink!"

"Really? So vat is it zen if not you ogling my sister?"

Throwing his pursuer a smirk from over his shoulder, Remy called out, "Okay, so maybe it _is_ what you t'ink, but you got not'in' t'worry 'bou-- " He stopped short when Kurt materialized before him in a sulfur-scented cloud. "_Merde."_ Twisting his body around, he ran back the way he came, with Kurt in hot pursuit.

"Do you think we should stop them?" Evan wondered, as he, Bobby, Scott and Jean watched the chaos unfold.

Bobby shook his head. "Nah. I'm sure they'll get tired eventual-- "

An explosion echoed from the kitchen.

"Is zat ze best you can do?"

Another explosion sounded. Followed by another. And then another.

"Gambit! Stop throwing cards!" yelled Scott.

"Oh my God! Kitty, watch out!" Jean telekinetically caught the porcelain vase that the young brunette had accidentally run into.

"This is getting out of hand. Jean, can you stop them?"

"All four of them? Not likely, Scott."

"Come back here, Kit-Kat! You'll only die once, Ah can promise you that much!"

"Want me to ice 'em?"

"And add even more problems when it all melts? No thanks." Scott sighed. "Looks like we're rounding them up the old-fashioned way. C'mon. Let's do this before the adults get back home."

"Too late fer that, bub."

Almost reluctantly, the foursome that was not ushering in World War III turned toward the foyer. Logan, Ororo and Professor Xavier stood just inside the doorway with decidedly displeased expressions on their faces.

"You think their mood would lighten a little if we told them that all our rooms are clean?" Bobby whispered from the corner of his mouth.

A distinct crash suddenly rang throughout the mansion. Evan had no doubt about whose room it came from.

"Man, I'm thinking that's a no."

----

Whew! Well, that does it for Spring Cleaning. I have ideas for other Madness-es, but right now I think I need to get back into the Rogue/Remy groove of things. : )


	5. Med Bay Madness

**Disclaimer: **Is it possible for the disclaimer to pass on germs? 'Cause I think it has... to me, unfortunately...

**A/N: **I've been 'on the verge' of being sick for the past couple of days. Not that any of you care all that much, but I thought I'd share. : ) Anyone else had that feeling where you have a slight fever and the only part of your body that was hot was your nose? What the heck is that?! Not my forehead, not my neck -- where people seem to have an impulse to check after they've placed their hand on my forehead -- but my _nose,_ for crying out loud! As far as I know, I'm not related to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer... ; )

~ sylvester, JADEOBLUE, keebler-elmo, Juuhachigou, prplebunnie, darkwing_duck1a, Taineyah, pepperstar, Ning Ning, Sailor Leo -- Like I said, I'm sick... I would offer you pizza, candy, chocolate or the like, but seeing as how I have "coodies" at the moment I don't really think you'd accept them. Unless you were really brave, with an impeccable immune system...? : )

~ Goddess Evie -- Umm... *pulls at links chained to computer* ... this is not going to be a very pretty sight when I have to go to the bathroom, you know...

~ ishandahalf -- 1) "Washed up celebrities" -- isn't that sad? Infomercials are like the unspoken lands of banishment for stars... 2) When we take over the planet, you can have our evil minions shop for you to fill up your new walk-in closet! After all, what else are they there for? But remember -- no flowers, fluff or ruffles... 3) You didn't know your living room was pink? What did you think it was? 4) I bashed Scott? How did that happen? I like Scott! Albeit, he's really easy to make fun of... but I still like him!

~ Jen1703 -- I know... I wasn't all that happy with my Jean portrayal either. I mean, I love her and Scott -- after Rogue and Gambit, they're my favorite couple -- but I just didn't know what to do with them. Scott's leader qualities are easy to poke fun at, but Jean... she's a little harder to crack. But I'm not giving up on her! By the end of this series I'm gonna make her have some kind of quirk, or so help me... I'll stop writing altogether! (Yeah, as if _that_ was a threat! : )

~ Eileen Blazer -- Just that scene with Scott and Remy moving things into the boathouse is enough to make me believe in katt's theory about the great friendship possibility between those two. I mean, they're opposites and yet they compliment one another, y'know? ... Argh! Damn katt and her infectious theories! : )

~ Disturbed Courtney -- I hope that whatever happened in those "... last few days [you've] endured" is over and done with. : ) And thanks for the kind words. You know I'm blushing my cheeks off since they came from you! ; )

~ Lcsaf -- It is not our place to question what that thing was. It's only our place to run like hell if it comes back from the dead to haunt us! ; )

~ Panther Nesmith -- You think like I do! (What a scary thought, actually... ; ) But I had an idea along those lines... not exactly like it, but close... ; )

~ gambitgirl -- So your reviews didn't actually make it onto the Review Board -- some people may tell you that the site was malfunctioning, but don't believe them. It was the plot bunnies, no question! -- but I still got them through email, which unfortunately for you means that you now have to hear me rant annoyingly! : )

~ Alwaysright -- Where will you pitch your tent now that _Hazard_ is done? ; )

~ Threnody -- I'm sure your insurance will cover any of your doctor bills. Unless it's like _my_ insurance which has such limited coverage on account of my "insanity." (I'm not insane... really I'm not! That term is so relative anyway...)

~ -- Isn't it so nice being a girl? I don't know... maybe I'm just biased, but damn do I like being my gender! ; )

~ Makura Koneko -- *police come with handcuffs* I didn't kill her, I swear! I was set up! It was the bunnies, I tell you! _The bunnies!_

~ Wishful Thinking -- Isn't that weird? I'm working two ends of the spectrum here -- one story is all romance and angst, and the other is... what the heck is this anyway? Pure insanity? I must be bipolar or something... : )

~ Marie -- You _were_ joking about the changing pants thing, right? 'Cause that alone gave me nightmares... ; )

~ Thanx4reading -- Okay, who made that law, when was it passed, and why wasn't I informed? Sheesh... I should start thinking of making my own laws...

**CHAPTER 5  
Med Bay Madness**

~ Madness takes its toll.  
Please have exact change. ~

"It's not his fault!"

"Well, then tell me whose fault it is, Kit-Kat," Rogue snapped. "Th' li'l leprechaun from th' Lucky Charms cereal?"

"It was, like, a total accident and you know it!"

"Accident, mah southern butt!" She pointed an accusing finger in Remy's direction. "He broke mah brother!"

"_Chère,_ I didn' -- "

A sharp moan brought their attention to the bed in the Med Bay. "If you don't mind," Kurt all but whimpered, "could you keep ze noise level down? Zere is a cute little fuzzy elf over here in a lot of pain."

Rogue shot another hot glare in Remy and Kitty's direction before venturing to her brother's side. "You all right, Kurt? Anythin' Ah can getcha? 'Sides th' Cajun's head on a platter?"

"Honestly, it wasn't like Remy _made_ Kurt land on his foot wrong." Kitty gingerly settled onto one of the chairs in the room. "You'd think he'd know how to, like, teleport properly by now."

"Oh, so zis is all _my_ fault?"

Kitty threw her hands up in exasperation. "It's nobody's fault! It was an accident!"

"Quit yer yappin', all o' you," Logan ordered as he walked in through the door. "Yer in enough trouble as it is."

Kurt winced as he tried to sit up. "So vat's ze prognosis, 'doctor'?"

"Stop squirmin', Elf, you'll do yerself more damage. We don' think you broke anythin', but jus' ta be sure we're goin' ta wait an' see what yer x-ray shows."

"Shouldn't we, like, call Mr. McCoy?"

"We're not takin' him out o' his conference jus' fer a sprained ankle."

Rogue frowned. "What if it's more than that? What if he needs brain surgery or somethin'?"

"He's already too screwed up f'r dat," Remy muttered under his breath.

"Stop bein' so dramatic, Stripes." He ruffled Kurt's hair and then looked towards the other teens. "The three o' you get out o' here an' let him have some peace an' quiet fer a change."

"What, we're not, like, being loud or anything."

Logan grimaced as his sensitive hearing picked up on her less-than-sensitive pitch.

"It's okay," Kurt interjected. "I don't mind ze company."

"Fine. But no rough-housin' in here. You four caused enough mayhem already."

"Is th' Professor really mad?"

"What do you think? Scorch marks in the kitchen don' come out with spit, y'know." Logan sighed and then shook his head, moving toward the door. "But you know Chuck; he'll fergive you in no time."

After he'd left, Rogue turned to Gambit and hissed, "You didn' have ta use yoah powers, swamp rat."

"What was I gon' do, let ya brother pound me inta bacon?"

"Yes!"

"And don't think I forgot about zat picture, Remy," Kurt added. "Hand it over."

The New Orleans native looked almost sheepish. "I would, _mon ami,_ but I don' have it."

"Vat do you mean you don't have it?"

"I mean I don't have it." He shrugged. "It's more or less one o' dose scorch marks dat Logan was talkin' 'bout."

"What?!" screeched Kitty, shooting up from her chair. "Remy, that was _my_ camera!"

"Don' worry, _petite,_ I'll stea-- er, get you a new one."

"Why am Ah not surprised?" Rogue shook her head in disgust. "Messin' with things you have no business messin' with in th' first place."

"Yeah!"

"Zip it, Kit. Yoah still on mah list."

Kurt tried to adjust into a more comfortable position. "I don't think zis is what Logan meant by giving me some peace and quiet."

Scowling one last time, Rogue turned to survey the room. For the time being she was willing to let their little war come to an end for the sake of her brother. "Where's th' TV? We could at least do somethin' productive while we're down here."

After a quick scan himself, Remy concluded, "Looks like de good doctor doesn't have a TV, _chère."_

Both Rogue and Kitty stared at him in shock.

"No TV?"

"You're kidding, right? 'Cause if you are, that's, like, _so_ not funny."

Rogue started to fidget from one foot to the other. "Ah... Ah think Ah have ta go upstairs..."

Beside her, Kitty's eyes were shifting back and forth across the room. "Yeah, me too... you know, the rec room's probably free..."

They were almost to the door when Kurt called out, "Get back here, you two. You can do zis. One step at a time, remember? Now sit."

"But, Kurt..." Kitty whined.

"Sit!" As they shot into their respective chairs, Kurt caught the questioning look in Remy's eyes. "Television withdrawal," he explained. "Ze Professor found out one day zat zey were spending almost twenty-four hours straight in front of ze TV. Zey looked like a pair of zombies. He made zem quit cold turkey. Zey've gotten better since zen -- we can leave zem in a room with a television set and not worry zey'll overdo it, but every now and zen..."

"We're fine," Rogue declared, though she was bouncing her leg up and down with the speed of a jackhammer. She looked around the Med Bay in desperation. "Maybe we can ask Logan ta bring down a TV fo' us..."

"No," Kurt said sternly. "No TV. We'll find something else to do."

"Like what, play with Mr. McCoy's chemistry set? We, like, get enough of that in school."

Remy reached into his pocket and brought out a deck of cards. "We could -- "

"No!" the other teens simultaneously shouted.

"_Quoi?"_

"You cheat, that's what." Rogue snatched the deck away from him. "What about music?"

Kitty made a face. "No stereo."

"Food?" asked Kurt hopefully.

"Ah'm too tired ta go all th' way up ta th' kitchen."

"What about dose?" Remy pointed to a stack of magazines on the far counter.

"Well, will wonders never cease. Ah didn' even know you could read, swamp rat."

"Dat's cold, _chère,_ real cold." Moving over to the pile, he quickly thumbed through them. A smirk suddenly made its way onto his face.

"Vat did you find?"

Remy turned to face them. "You'll never guess."

"A subscription ta _We Know Science?" _

"_Non."_

"Hair loss programs for blue furry doctors?" offered Kitty.

"Try again."

"_Playboy?"_

Rogue swatted her brother on the leg.

"Hey!" he cried out, reaching to protect his right ankle. "Injured mutant cheesecake over here! Vhere's your sisterly concern?"

"It got pushed out th' window. There ain't enough space fo' it since you an' th' Cajun are thinkin' with yoah _second_ brains."

Before the other male in the room could protest his innocence, Kitty jumped in. "So, like, what is it already?"

Remy pulled out the periodical from the middle of the stack and showed it to them.

"_Highlights?"_ Rogue asked in disbelief. "Mr. McCoy reads _Highlights?"_

"Not only dat, _chèrie,_ but _M'sieu_ McCoy has a subscription t' _Highlights."_ He pointed to the address label on the front cover.

"Ah don' believe it."

Kurt looked at them in question. "I don't get it."

"It's a children's magazine, Kurt," Kitty informed him, walking over to Remy and taking the issue from his hands. Quickly scanning the pages, she continued. "The 'educational fun' kind. I, like, used to read them when I was a kid."

"Now there's a shocker," Rogue put in dryly.

"Oh come on, Rogue. Are you telling me you've _never_ picked up a copy before in your life?"

The young southerner yielded with a small scowl. "Maybe once or twice," she muttered. "When anothah kid put a gun ta mah head."

Kitty returned to her seat at Kurt's bedside, bringing the magazine with her. "This was my favorite part." After checking the table of contents, she flipped open to the appropriate page.

"Hidden Pictures?" Kurt asked. He stared down at the image of a young girl and her mother gardening in a fenced-off yard. "Zey didn't do a very good job," he commented. "Zat picture's in plain sight. It takes up ze whole page, even."

Remy snickered as he pulled up a chair alongside Kitty's.

"No, you big elf. They, like, draw out-of-place objects into the picture and you're supposed to find them. Here, this is what we have to find." She pointed to the opposite page where a list of drawings was included. "That's how each item looks like in the bigger picture," she explained. She turned to her roommate, who hadn't moved from her spot a few feet away. "Aren't you going to join, Rogue?"

"This is really how we're goin' ta spend th' rest o' th' night?" she demanded, reluctantly coming closer. "Readin' kiddie magazines?"

"You ask me, _chère,_ it's better dan bein' upstairs an' gettin' it from de Prof."

"All right," she conceded. "Scoot a li'l, Kurt." She waited for her brother to roll carefully onto his right side, facing Kitty and Remy, before taking a seat on the bed behind him. "We'll prob'ly be done with this in five minutes anyway."

"I found ze spoon!" Kurt shouted in triumph, pointing to the center of the page. "Ze long end is a part of ze fence and zen ze other end is part of zis butterfly's wing."

Kitty smiled at his enthusiasm. "See, I knew you would like this."

Leaning forward, Remy tapped his finger against the paper. "Lollipop," he said, outlining the image hidden in the vines and berries.

"Ah can't believe yoah participatin' in this, Cajun," Rogue stated from over Kurt's shoulder.

Remy shrugged. "What c'n I say? Could never resist a challenge."

"Which this clearly is." Sarcasm dripped from her voice.

Kitty glanced in her direction. "Okay, smarty pants. Let's, like, see if you can find the slice of pizza."

"No problem." Rogue pulled an extra pillow from the bed, set it against Kurt's arm, and leaned into the soft cushion. Her eyes roamed over the page, trying to find her target.

After a short time, Kurt exclaimed, "There it is! Between the tree branches!"

"Kurt! That was mine!"

"I'm sorry, but it was food. You know how I am with food."

Kitty ended the argument with a wave of her hand. "There's the domino piece."

"Where?" inquired Remy.

"In that building's window. The one with the three black dots."

"Are you sure? Maybe de people dat live in dat apartment jus' had a food fight an' some o' it got stuck on de glass. Or maybe de baby o' de house was havin' a li'l fun wit' his diaper an' -- "

"Gross! Don't even think of finishing that sentence!"

"Should we even ask what you guys are up to?" a voice called from the doorway.

The occupants of the room turned to see Evan and Bobby enter the Med Bay.

Kitty, after glaring at Gambit, held up the magazine. "We're working on a Hidden Picture."

"Hey, I remember those," Bobby said, coming around the bed to stand over her chair. "There's the spoon."

"We already got de spoon, _homme."_

"Well, how come it isn't marked? You guys know how to do this or what?" He moved to search through the drawers, and came back with a pencil. When he tried to encircle the drawing of the spoon, Kitty slapped his hand away.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"I'm plotting to take over the world with a few strokes of this pencil -- what does it look like I'm doing? I'm marking the spoon so we know we found it already."

"You can't do that! It's, like, Mr. McCoy's book."

Evan started. "That's Mr. McCoy's?"

"Ah know what yoah thinkin', an' yoah right -- hell _is_ freezin' ovah," Rogue informed him.

Kitty snatched the pencil away from Bobby. "We can mark the list on the other page, and then erase them when we're done."

"Who would've thought zat Kitty was such a neat-freak?"

"Or obsessive-compulsive," Remy put in. "Dat's a disorder, isn't it? Dey throw people in de looney bin f'r dat."

"They, like, do not."

"Denial... dat's another symptom. Watch yaself, _petite."_

"You're so full of crap, Remy."

Evan pointed to the bottom of the page. "Dude, there's the pushpin, posing as a flower pot."

"Are you sure that ain't a top hat?"

"There isn't a top hat on the list, Rogue."

"Well, it looks like a top hat. An' if that's a pushpin then where's th' pointy end? Ah don' see it."

"It's shaded, see?" Kitty explained. "They made it look like the dirt, but that plant's branches form its shape."

Rogue's eyebrows knitted together. "Are you sure this book's fo' kids? Sounds awfully complicated ta be fo' kids."

"You're just mad because you haven't found anything yet."

"Well, Ah would've found that slice o' pizza if you hadn't stolen it from me!"

Bobby cut in. "Children, please. Act your age."

"Oh, that's rich, Drake, comin' from you," snarled Rogue, turning back to the list. "What's next?"

"Hoe."

Both Remy and Kurt snapped to attention.

"Vat did you say?!" Despite his injury, Kurt was attempting to get up from the bed.

Remy, on the other hand, was in Bobby's face in no time. "You wan' repeat dat, _mon ami?"_ Three cards slipped into his hand.

"What?" Bobby asked bewildered, his eyes darting between his two angry teammates. "What'd I do? What'd I do?"

"I think you just called Rogue a hoe, man."

"I did not!" he declared, though his two aggressors didn't look the least bit appeased. "She asked what the next thing was. There's a hoe on the list, I swear!"

"He's, like, telling the truth, you guys." Kitty lifted the magazine off the bed and directed their attention to it. "See?"

Rogue laid a hand on Kurt's shoulder and forced him back onto the mattress. "Ease up, Elf. Remember what Logan said. Don' wanna hurt yoahself more. 'Sides, Ice-Pick may be dense but Ah don' think even he's _that_ dumb." Though her brother relaxed his tense stance, she noticed that Remy hadn't at all. "Down, Cajun. Th' Professor won't be so fo'givin' if we killed him, much as we'd like to."

Remy relented at her words. But not before glaring threateningly at Bobby. "I'm watchin' you, Snow-Cone."

The door to the Med Bay swished open, and a new voice greeted them. "Well, I think we arrived just in time."

Six sets of eyes turned at the sound and saw both Jean and Scott standing in the doorway. Several moments passed and no one said a word.

"Guys?" Jean called, slightly wary of their curious stares. "Are you okay? We aren't pod people, if that's what you're thinking."

Kitty was the first to speak up. "Umm, Jean... your blouse is, like, inside out."

The older girl looked down at her shirt and almost blushed as bright as her hair. "Uh, excuse me a second." She hurriedly made her way into the nearby bathroom.

Scott, for his part, was left standing with his friends' knowing glances. "It's not what you think," he offered immediately.

The corners of Remy's mouth rose into a snicker. "What exactly would we have been t'inkin', Scottie?"

Leaning in closer to Rogue, Kitty whispered, "Since when have those two been so hot and heavy?"

The southerner shrugged. "Ah don' know. Since they officially got t'gether?"

"Yeah, but they've never been the kind of couple that, like, fools around, you know."

"Dammit, Kit-Kat! What did Ah tell you about puttin' images like that in mah brain? Now Ah'm gonna have ta pour acid down mah ear jus' ta wash that thought out!"

Scott cleared his throat. Hoping to take all the attention off of himself and Jean, he asked, "What were you guys doing before we came?"

Another snicker from Remy.

"What is your problem, Gambit?"

Remy held up his hands in defense. "Hey, _mon ami,_ I'm not de one throwin' out de sexual references."

"I didn't -- " Scott's back stiffened, realizing how his question had been taken. "That's not what I meant."

"'Course it ain't." Another maddening smirk.

"I meant arrived."

"Arrived... came... Gotcha."

"Have all the spices you've been eating turned your brain completely into gumbo?"

"No, Scott, Ah think he was born like that."

"Hey, I found the hoe," Evan interrupted, pointing to the top portion of the drawing. "Six down, nine to go."

Leaning over Rogue, Scott caught sight of the magazine. "Aren't you guys just a little too old for that?"

"Too old for what?" asked Jean, stepping out of the bathroom with her clothes properly adjusted.

"_Highlights."_

Jean smiled. "My sister and I used to read that when we were little." Positioning herself next to Scott, she stated, "There's the ring, bell, needle and candle." A chorus of grumbling erupted from across the bed. "What?"

"You just took out four items in one hit," Bobby complained. "That's not fair."

"Sorry. Can I help it if telepaths are observant people?" She leaned in more to get a better look at the page.

"Hey, hey. It's gettin' jus' a li'l bit crowded 'round here," Rogue complained, moving closer to Kurt's headboard and away from Scott and Jean, who were trying to study the open page.

"_Homme,_ get ya shoulder out o' my face," Remy said to Evan.

"Tilt the book this way, man. I can't see."

"If you do that then _we_ won't be able to see."

"Lay it flat against the bed so the light doesn't glare off it like that."

"No, try about two degrees to the north..."

"Do I look like I have a compass on me? I don't even know which way north is, much less how many degrees to go in that direction!"

"I said, get ya shoulder out o' my face!"

"Dudes, make up your minds! My arm's getting tired from holding it like zis!"

"Jean, could you...?"

Telekinetically taking hold of the issue, Jean let it hover a few inches above Kurt's feet where everyone would have a fairly good angle.

"Could you float some food over from ze kitchen while you're at it?" Kurt requested hopefully.

"Where the heck is that damn ant? I can't find it anywhere!"

"Maybe they forgot it. Maybe they put it on the list but then forgot to include it in the final picture."

"Can they do that?"

Evan shrugged at Bobby. "Hey, anything's possible, man."

"No, it's in here. They, like, never put stuff on the list that aren't in the drawing."

"How can you be so sure, Kitty? Maybe they goofed this time."

"It's in here somewhere," Jean assured them. "We just have to look a little."

"I'm telling you, dudes, they forgot -- "

"Found it!" Kitty exclaimed triumphantly. "It's in the vines! I, like, told you they wouldn't forget!"

"Yeah, you're a regular teen genius," Bobby said dryly. "Four more to go."

"Pencil," Scott said.

"Bobby has it."

"No, I got the pencil."

"Dude, Kitty already told you -- Bobby has it."

"No! I found the pencil."

"_Mon ami,_ why would you have t'go an' find another pencil when we've got one already? Jus' use de one Bobby has."

Scott glared at them in frustration. With strained patience, he bit out, "There is a pencil on the list. I. Found. It."

"Well geez, Scott, why didn't you just say so?" Jean telekinetically plucked the actual pencil from Bobby's grip and used it to mark its two-dimensional counterpart on their list.

Exasperated, Scott threw up his hands.

"Man, you'd think he'd be a little more relaxed after getting some action from his girlfriend," Bobby whispered to Evan. Three seconds later, he felt the pain of a rolled-up magazine hitting him upside the head. "Hey! How the heck did you hear that?"

"Whispering is supposed to be done softly, Bobby Drake," explained Jean, returning the periodical back to its place over Kurt's bed. "You might want to try it like that from now on. You'll probably live longer."

Bobby was about to open his mouth to retort when a hand on his arm silenced him.

"Not dat I'm fond o' you or not'in', _homme,_ but if you value ya life -- don't. Redheads have de worst tempers." He tilted his head discreetly in Jean's direction. "Dis one's got mutant powers t'boot. Be smart an' back away while you still have de right body parts t'have children."

"What, so we just back down 'cause they're girls?"

"_Oui._ An' life's a lot sweeter 'cause o' it."

"But we're guys! We're got our pride."

"Yeah, but that doesn't always mean much, man."

Bobby looked surprised. "You too, Evan?"

"Hey, dude, I know better than getting on my mom's or Auntie O's bad side. I like being able to breathe, you know."

"You don' have t'take our word f'r it, _mon ami._ You wan' test ya footin' out, den you go right ahead. But don' say we didn' warn you."

Rogue, finally noticing the small impromptu meeting the trio was quietly engrossed in, asked, "What're you boys all hush-hush about ovah there?"

Remy raised his eyebrow at Bobby, as if to challenge him into trying his newly found machismo out on Rogue.

"Umm..." the younger boy mumbled, looking between the three females in the room. What was stronger, his urge to stand up and be a man like his father had taught him or his more basic sense of survival? Shaking his head, he slowly breathed, "... nothing."

"C'mon, you guys, get serious already! We, like, only have three more to go."

"Yeah, this kind o' stuff needs th' serious, full-attention, don'-even-blink-fo'-a-second kind o' concentration," Rogue quipped, resting her cheek onto her palm. Suddenly she perked up and pointed excitedly. "Ah found th' hummingbird!"

Looking over his shoulder, Kurt told her, "Talk about doing a one-eighty, _liebling."_

"Hush up an' be happy fo' me, Elf." She grinned. "Ah finally found somethin' on that stupid game."

Scott looked over the remaining items on their list. "So that leaves the cherries and the pennant."

"Dude, what's a pennant?"

"It's like a flag."

"So why can't they just say flag?"

"'Cause it isn't a flag, Evan."

"But Scott just said -- "

"It's _like_ a flag, but isn't."

"Well gee, when you put it like _that_ then I understand perfectly!"

"Here, look at the picture," instructed Kitty. "See how the pennant kind of tapers at the end? And how its length is longer than its width? That's what makes it different from a flag."

A collective "ahh" rang throughout the Med Bay.

"Well, what d'ya know," commented Rogue, "you do learn somethin' from these things."

Kitty smiled. "Glad to see that I, like, converted you from the Dark Side."

"Ah wouldn't be too sure o' that, Kit-Kat. It's not like Ah'm gonna get a subscription or nothin'."

"'Course not, _chère._ You could always borrow _M'sieu_ McCoy's copy." After Remy dodged a particularly lethal glare sent in his direction, he whispered to Bobby, "See what I mean, _homme?_ Dat dere look's gonna cost me at least half a day."

"Half a day?"

"Half a day o' de silent treatment, an' anyt'in' else her beautifully twisted mind c'n come up wit'."

"Then why'd you...?"

"T'prove a point, Drake. Don' go messin' wit' nature. It's been dis way f'r thousands o' years. Let it be."

Bobby nodded thoughtfully, comprehension finally seeping into his brain.

"Dude, I'm beginning to think zat Evan was right." Kurt tilted his head to the side, trying to look at the drawing from another angle. "Maybe zey forgot to include ze pennant and ze cherries. I vote we give up. Turn to ze answers page."

Kitty glanced in his direction. "There is no answers page."

"Zen I say we give up. Thirteen out of fifteen isn't bad."

"C'mon, we're X-Men; we just don't give up. We don't know how to quit!"

"Uh-oh. Scottie's slippin' inta Fearless-Leader mode. He's givin' us th' 'We're X-Men' speech already."

"I didn't know we needed our powers and skills as X-Men to solve something like this," Jean teased, smiling saccharinely at Scott. "Maybe we should stop and devise a proper battle plan before going any further."

"Or we could stop acting like babies and finish what we started." Scott gestured to the magazine. "Two items left. Between the eight of us that shouldn't take long."

Evan crossed his arms over his chest, staring at him questioningly. "It shouldn't? Dude, we've been at this for almost a half hour."

"Quit yapping and start looking," ordered Scott.

Remy grinned mischievously. "How 'bout we make dis a li'l interestin', _mes braves?_ De four o' us," he indicated Bobby, Evan, Kitty and himself, who were all sitting on one side of the bed, "versus de four o' you. Losers take whatever punishment de adults dish out f'r what we did earlier."

"Hey, no way, man!" protested Evan. "That was your mess, not ours!"

"Relax, Daniels, we ain't gonna lose."

Rogue scoffed. "Pretty cocky there, Cajun, considerin' who you got on yoah team -- a skater boy, a smarty kat and an ice pick. Doesn't seem like much o' a challenge ta me."

Narrowing his eyes at her words, Evan hissed, "Ooh, sister, you are going down!"

"Bring it on, Porcupine!" Rogue was all but climbing over her brother in her attempt to out-stare her teammate.

"Okay, okay. Let's do this fairly." Scott reached into his pocket and pulled out a quarter. "Call it."

"Heads," Remy said.

Deftly catching the coin in his fist, Scott flipped it onto the back of his left hand. "Heads it is."

Evan snorted. "We haven't even started yet and you're already losing, Rogue."

Turning to Remy, Bobby asked, "What happened to letting the girls win?"

"Minor lapse in judgment. He'll regret it when she jams one o' his spikes inta a place where it has no right t'be."

"You mean...?"

Remy nodded.

"Ouch."

"So what's your team going for?" inquired Scott.

Kitty's response was immediate. "The cherries."

"What? Girl, are you sure? Why the cherries?"

"Because, Evan, there are only so many places they could hide two small circular objects, right? We'll only be looking in the vines, which isn't even a fourth of the page!"

"All right, ready... set... Bobby, what are you doing?"

Bobby uncurled himself from his crouching position on the floor. "Oh sorry, Jean. For a second there I thought we were making like the Olympics and doing the gunshot-start thing."

"Real thin ice, _mon ami -- real_ thin. Ya gon' be joinin' Evan in no time."

"Ready? And... Go!"

Eight sets of eyes glued themselves onto the page, barely taking a second to blink.

"Where the heck are those damn cherries?"

"Okay, team, look for the straight edge of the pennant first. That's the more obvious piece and it'll lead us to the rest of it."

"Why'm Ah not surprised that Scott's got a strategy?"

"_Liebling,_ Scott has a strategy when he goes to ze bathroom. Why wouldn't he have one for zis?"

"Is that it? Right there, those two circles?"

"No, Evan, that's the end of the lollipop that Remy found earlier."

"Are you sure it can't overlap with another picture?"

"No."

"No, that can't happen -- or no, you're not sure?

Kitty looked at him confused. "What?"

"I say Evan's right. Those are our cherries. We won! We won!"

"Are you kidding me?" Jean exclaimed. "That's not even the same size, Bobby. And where's the second circle?"

Taking the pencil in his hand, Bobby made his own addition to the page. "_There's_ your second circle! We won! We won!"

"You'll win mah fist in yoah face if you don' get outta th' way, you walkin' case o' frostbite." Rogue pointed to the top half of the drawing. "Is that ours?"

"No, zat's a square. We're looking for a wavy, triangular flag."

"Well, if we stare at it long enough it'll turn inta a wavy, triangular flag!" Throwing up her hands, Rogue cried, "This is stupid! We're a bunch o' grown people pullin' our hair out 'cause we can't find th' last pieces in a kiddie game?!"

"Does dat mean ya team forfeits, _chère?"_

"Of course not," Scott answered for her, catching Rogue's attention. "Focus," he ordered.

"Focus? Focus?! We ain't savin' th' world here, you know! We're killin' time on a Saturday night, hidin' out from th' adults 'cause o' what Kit-Kat an' th' Cajun ovah there started!"

"I can't believe you're, like, going back to that!"

"What, did you think Ah was gonna let it go? Yoah lucky yoah partner in crime charged th' camera inta ashes 'cause Ah would've skinned you alive otherwise!"

"You're impossible! I didn't see _you_ doing anything to try and get that rat out of -- "

"Hey! What's goin' on in here?" Logan demanded gruffly, stepping into the room. "Thought I told you ta leave the Elf alone. Why all o' sudden yer havin' a team convention that could wake the dead?"

"We were just trying to solve this," explained Jean, levitating the periodical over to the older man. "There are two items left and we didn't want to give up until we found them."

Logan snorted. "Is that all?" Ten seconds later, he yanked the pencil out of Bobby's hands, making two quick, clean circles. He flipped the magazine over to show them. "Cherries. Pennant. Now, quit makin' a ruckus before I really get mad." Without another word, he exited the room.

Stunned into silence, the teens could only stare down at the circles he had made. Sure enough, he'd found the last two items on their list with all the effort it took him to blink. For several minutes no one spoke.

Eventually, Jean ventured cautiously, "I have a _Where's Waldo?_ book that my cousin sent me as a gag gift last Christmas. Any takers?"

She was met with seven bewildered stares, before Rogue shrugged and said, "Okay."

- oOo -

"So what were they up to?" inquired Ororo, as Logan made his way back into the living room.

Taking a swig from his beer, he replied, "They were tryin' ta figure out the Hidden Picture in Hank's _Highlights."_

The Professor raised an eyebrow while sipping his tea. "And?"

"Was a lot easier findin' that stuff this time around than it was when you, Hank an' I were lookin' fer them."

----

* Sad to say, this is actually a semi-true story. My mom, a former kindergarten teacher, got her hands on some old issues of _Highlights,_ and for some reason felt the need to read through them completely. She got my dad into it and then she eventually sucked me into it as well -- though I have no idea how. (My mother's a sneaky wench... ; ) I swear, it was utterly stupid! Instead of concentrating on watching my beloved TV programs one evening, she and I were sitting there, straining our not-so-much-20/20 vision, trying to find those damn hidden pictures! It was so pathetic! And I was reacting _exactly_ like Evan was -- "Maybe they forgot to put it in... It could happen, you know." (Which I later discovered was also my father's reaction... I now have confirmation that I was _not_ adopted. : ) And so, in the midst of this incredibly idiotic night of beating my brain into the ground because my mother and I couldn't find the damn pennant, I thought, "This is _definitely_ Madness material." And thus, the chapter was born. (Hey, I never said I was proud of that moment. Logic kind of flies out the window when you're attempting to salvage your pride and avoid getting done in by a _children's_ magazine... ; )


	6. Movie Madness Part I

**Disclaimer: **Have you ever seen a disclaimer dance? Trust me, it's _not_ a pretty sight. Excuse me while I go and gouge my eyes out... 

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who offered their 'Get Well' wishes in my time of nose-burning need! : ) 

~ Makura Koneko, Tsukinoko, Taineyah, Flamingo, Angel of Darkness, Chaotic Boredom, Mag Carter, Kiki Cabou -- The Fanfiction Mafia is running a little low on funds this month. Therefore, we're only raffling off _one_ company plane today. I know... it's unfair, but we all must make our share of sacrifices... 

~ ishandahalf -- 1) Your nose probably fell asleep because you didn't set its alarm clock properly. No doubt it keep hitting the snooze button. 2) Taunting the Lucky Charms kid in your school... tsk tsk... How cruel... What'd he say? ; ) 3) Hey, don't knock the complicated process that is going-to-the-bathroom. There are perils abound, you know -- the crocodiles in the sewers that can come out of the toilet when you least expect it... Evil, pink ooze seeping out of the bathtub faucet to come and suffocate you while your back is turned... I'm telling you, it's not safe in there. 4) Keep an eye out, you'll see something familiar, I'm sure... : ) 

~ Kanshisha Tenshi -- Oh my gosh, I can't believe you noticed that 6 and 9! Even _I_ didn't catch that. It was completely unconscious! (Which gives you an idea how naughty _my_ mind is. ; ) Honestly, I was just keeping track of how many items they'd found, and how many were still left. I was using an actual _Highlights_ issue for reference, you see. But damn are you sharp for having caught that! ; ) 

~ Jen1703 -- You know it's funny. Just knowing that at least one Scott/Jean fan is reading makes me want to write them well for you. Albeit, I'm still trying to get them down properly. : ) 

~ Leina -- As a diehard Rogue/Remy fanatic myself, you can be sure that stuff with them will pop up sooner or later! 

~ Disturbed Courtney -- Ooh, you got in some brother-annoying time while innocently not meaning to! How incredibly sly and genius-like of you! I personally stay in the room doing whatever I can until my brother _admits_ he's getting annoyed. I then make my exit with a crisp and emphatic _"Thank you!_ That's all I wanted to hear." ; ) 

~ Panther Nesmith -- Ooh, those magic picture books are straight from Hades! It's a rare thing for me to see any kind of image in them. 

~ Eileen Blazer -- I used to be a Highlights kid, too. I didn't have a subscription, but I'd read them in the library. They were a lot of fun, but I'd always miss a few things on the Hidden Pictures. And I was just too damn stubborn to give up on them, resulting in my staring at the page for hours on end! ; ) 

~ ladyoftherings -- Ahh, _X2..._ Right after I got out of the theater, I wanted them to get to work on _X3!_ : ) 

~ Carla -- Thanks for the two reviews! I hope you dealt with that spider like Scott did with the rat! ... Oh wait, you _do_ have the benefit of optic blasts, don't you? : ) 

~ Ning Ning -- Wow... You are brave. Are you sure you want to print out _this_ story? I mean, then the Madness would spread. Is the world ready for that yet? 

~ Wishful Thinking -- I think we all went insane a long, _long_ time ago, my friend! : ) 

~ Thanx4reading -- "Screw this up its annoying nostril"? Ouch... that's gotta hurt! ; ) ... Ooh! Spontaneous public insanity outburst, you say? That's like the _ultimate_ confirmation of the insane! Congratulations! ; ) 

~ Marie -- Hmm... Note to self: Madness induces severe instances of procrastination... Fascinating... ; ) You have a spinal injury? Were you reading this fic while tightrope walking, bungee jumping or cliff hanging? 'Cause that's just asking for trouble. Maybe we should think about attaching one of those hazardous-to-your-health warnings... Anyway, I hope you get better! : ) 

~ Alwaysright -- Remy leaving town? That sounds familiar... Where did I read that...? ; ) ... What exactly do you have in your tent that you feel the need to drag it _everywhere?_ *pokes head into entrance and gawks at satellite TV, state-of-the-art entertainment unit and high-tech computer system with broadband Internet connection* Damn! No wonder you never leave here! : )   


**CHAPTER 6   
Movie Madness   
Part I**

"Man, if they're not here in two seconds, I'm gonna spike their carcasses to the wall!" Evan bit out, tapping his foot impatiently on the carpet. 

Kitty looked up from where she was sitting on an armchair. "I still don't see why we can't, like, start without them and then just rewind or something." 

Scott sighed. They'd been having the same debate for the better part of the past hour. "I thought the whole purpose of this 'Movie Day' was to spend it _together?"_

"Forget 'together,' dude! I just got out of ze furry doctor's fortress of solitude! We can do 'together' once zey get back." 

Rogue snorted. "Which will prob'ly be three days from never," she informed her brother, shifting in her spot on the carpet. "Y'all sent _Remy_ an' _Bobby_ on th' munchie run... you seriously expectin' them ta come back at all? They prob'ly got lost in th' Rockies or somethin'." 

"Rogue, the Rocky Mountains are clear across the country." 

"Exactly mah point, Jean." She returned to her task of flipping through their potential movie selection. "'Sides y'all entrusted them with _money._ How smart was it ta give money ta a thief?" 

"Girl, they wouldn't do that to us... would they?" 

Rogue favored Evan with a shrug. 

"Look they haven't even been gone that long," Scott reasoned, consulting his watch. "Maybe they got stuck in traffic or something." 

Rolling her eyes, Rogue commented dryly, "Right... Stuck in traffic... in Bayville... on a Sunday..." 

"Why don't we decide which movies we'll be watching?" proposed Jean, cutting into the conversation. "That way we can start as soon as they get home." 

Kurt brightened at the suggestion. "Great idea!" He turned to Rogue and asked, "Vat have you got so far?" 

"Well, Ah tried ta pick out a li'l somethin' fo' ev'ryone..." She started picking up the cases one by one, readying them for display. _"Titanic, My Best Friend's Wedding, When Harry Met Sally, Pretty Woman..."_ At those choices, both Kitty's and Jean's faces lit up, while all three guys groaned loudly. "... which we _won't_ be seein' since Ah got control ovah what we watch, an' Ah'm not in th' mood fo' them right now..." 

"Hey, like, who let you have control?" 

"Ah did," Rogue stated simply, as if that was all that needed to be said. "So that leaves us with _Nightmare Before Christmas,_ the _Lethal Weapon_ series, _Top Gun -- "_

"Ooh, great aerial fight scenes on that one, man." 

_" -- Braveheart -- "_

"I don't like watching movies with funny accents." 

"Kurt, you have a German accent." 

"And your point is...?" 

_" -- Forrest Gump -- "_

"Do you know how long that movie is?!" 

"Yeah! Last time I watched that, I had to hold off going to the bathroom for half of the movie -- a whole hour and a half! Do you know what that does to your bladder?!" 

_" -- Grease -- "_

"Classic, musical fun." 

"Betcha ten bucks, Kurt and Evan will be up in their seats singing and dancing with that one." 

"Ve vill not!" Kurt cried indignantly "... not until ze second or third song..." 

_" -- Speed -- "_

"Keanu Reeves!" both Jean and Kitty squealed. 

_" -- Almost Famous -- "_

"Kate Hudson!" 

Kitty looked disgusted. "You three are pathetic." 

"So says the boy-toy, drool freak from three seconds ago." 

_" -- Aliens -- "_

"Just zat one? Vat about ze other three installments?" 

"Dude, everyone knows the second one is the best." 

_" -- Independence Day -- "_

"You know, Bill Pullman is really cute in that one." 

"Forget Pullman, my man Will kicks some serious alien ass!" 

_" -- True Lies,_ th' _Indiana Jones_ trilogy -- " 

"Action, comedy and romance... really, what else is there in life? 

_" -- Star Wars -- "_

"Krrrr... Luke, _I_ am your father." 

"An' o' course..." Rogue lowered her voice to a reverent whisper. _"... The Lords of the Rings."_

"Ooooohhh." Both Kurt and Evan bowed down in worship before the upheld casing. 

Jean began counting off mentally. "That's twenty-four movies, you guys." 

"I know!" Kitty agreed. "We're, like, losing our touch." 

Scott stared at her in shock. "You all realize that there's only twenty-four hours in a day, and at an average of two hours per movie..." 

Kurt nodded. "You're right, Scott. Ve better call Remy on his cell and tell zem to get more food." He quickly teleported to the nearest phone. 

"No, seriously. There is no way we can -- " 

" -- go without watching _While You Were Sleeping._ Rogue! How could you, like, forget that one? You love Sandra Bullock." 

"Oh, right. Then that makes th' count twenty-five." She glanced around the rec room. "Ah think we should bring down our sleepin' bags an' pillows an' stuff. We're gonna be here a while." 

"Hey, wait a minute," Jean said, directing her attention to Kitty and Rogue. "Aren't you two banned from watching too much TV?" 

"Yeah -- _TV..._ These are DVDs, Jeannie. That's a whole two letters diff'rence." 

"What kind of logic is that?!" 

"Th' kind that gets me an' Kit-Kat inta Movie Day." 

"Right, Remy..." they heard Kurt say into the phone. "Maybe twice as much food... Twenty-four movies..." 

"Twenty-five!" Evan called helpfully. 

"Make zat twenty-five... Yeah, zat's vat Kitty said... not even half of vat ve did ze last time..." 

"Kurt!" Scott admonished, twisting around to look over the back of the sofa. "You're not making them buy out the entire store, are you?" 

The young German put his hand over the receiver and answered, "Of course not... only ze junk food section." 

Scott shot out of his seat and stalked over to Kurt's side. "Give me that phone. Hello? Remy? ... _Hello?"_ He was met with complete silence. "Either you've already hung up or you're purposely ignoring me!" He heard a familiar chuckle in his ear. 

"What gave me away, _homme?"_

"I could hear you toying with me over the phone." 

"I beg ya pardon, _mon ami!"_ Remy cried out in disgust. "What kind o' pervert do you t'ink I am? Dat's what ya girlfriend is for!" 

"Huh?" It took Scott a few seconds to realize that Remy had changed the direction of the conversation. "Is that _all_ you think about?" 

"Not _all._ No, wait... yeah, pretty much all." 

"You're pathetic." 

"T'ank you," Remy responded without missing a beat. "Now, was dere a purpose t'dis phone call, or did you jus' want t'hear de husky timbre o' my voice?" 

"Are you insane?" 

"Don' play innocent wit' me, _M'sieu_ Summers! I've seen de way you check out my backside when you t'ink I ain't lookin'!" 

"Wha-- ? I am not gay!" His outburst caused more than one snicker to ripple throughout the rec room. "I'm not! And I have never 'checked out your backside.'" 

"Denial ain't jus' a river in Ethiopia." 

"Egypt." 

"Dere too." 

_"Goodbye,_ Gambit," Scott said pointedly. 

"So we're back t'codenames now, eh? Tryin' t'distance yaself from what ya feelin' f'r me..." 

"I'm hanging up now." 

"I'm a one-woman kind o' guy, _homme._ Roguey's more dan enough t'satisfy -- " 

Click. 

Evan called out to Scott from across the room, "Dude, you do realize that you didn't tell them to cancel the gargantuan-sized food order, right?" 

The older boy's face fell. "Damn..." 

"Whoo-hoo! More food!" Kurt rejoiced, waving his fist into the air. "Let ze pig-out begin!" 

"Well, now what?" Rogue asked, placing her palms onto the couch cushion behind her and hoisting herself onto the seat. "It's gonna take them at least anothah hour ta pick up all th' extras, an' then drive back here. What are we gonna do 'til then?" 

"Let's start on ze food fiesta!" 

Kitty made a face. "With what? Mothballs and dust bunnies? That was, like, the whole point of the munchie run." 

"Start a movie already!" Evan complained, shifting through Rogue's films-to-watch pile. He picked up a case. "Come on, _The Raiders of the Lost Ark_ anyone?" 

Jean looked at Scott in concern. "Are you all right?" she asked as he settled down next to her once again. "You look a little sick." 

He shook his head. "I'm fine. I think I'm just getting a headache from all their arguing." He gestured to where the other four teens were loudly discussing their pre-movie plans. 

"Here, why don't you lean back?" She gently pushed him towards the couch's backrest. "There you go... Now just close your eyes and relax..." 

Reluctantly, Scott followed her instructions. He soon felt her cool hands against his temples, slowly and methodically easing the throbbing pain away. 

"See? Now doesn't that help?" she whispered lightly into his ear. Her breath was warm against his skin. The only possible response he could muster at that moment was a content moan. 

After a few blissful minutes of sensing nothing but Jean's touch on his body, he heard her ask tentatively, "Scott?" 

"Hmmm?" 

_"Have_ you been checking out Remy's ass?" 

He opened his eyes to see the twitch of a teasing smile pulling at the corner of her lips. With a groan, he said, "Not you, too." 

---- 

The Madness continues in Part II... 

*sigh*  
... and you thought we were safe... 


	7. Movie Madness Part II

**Disclaimer: **The disclaimer is rolling around in the park like a dog. All I can say is, I am _not_ washing the grass stains out of its pants. Maybe it can con the muse into doing it... 

**A/N: *** Thanks to everyone that commented on the choice of flicks. Those were some of my 'ironing movies.' (You guessed it, movies I watch when I iron!) They have to be films that I'm so familiar with that I know when to stop ironing and watch the good parts, and when to just listen to the dialogue and make sure I'm not burning a hole in something. : ) The scary thing is that I was just typing out movies from off the top of my head. Because I'm such a movie freak, had I gone any further, the team would be sitting in that rec room until they all had great-grandchildren! ; ) 

* As for Cajun-derriere-watching, I have it down to a science. A comfy couch, bowl of chips, and a pair of binoculars -- with a telescope for those times when the boy travels long distances from my... ahem, observation tower. 

~ Chaotic Boredom, Mag Carter, IceX, Kia Purity, Rogue Worrior Spirit, rogue4eva, Suja, epona, ShadowDragon, Lemon Parade, Taineyah, nessie, Wishful Thinking -- *passes out Madness-sponsored pixie sticks* ; ) 

~ Makura Koneko -- To tell you the truth, I'm actually an alien. No really, I am! No one believes me when I say that... Ooh, sweet! A costume? I definitely want! But please, no fluffy ruffles, flowers, or lace. Unless it's of the leather-and-lace variety, then it'd be okay. : ) 

~ Jen1703; Jean, Ororo, Rogue and Kurt -- Wow, two Scott and Jean fans! Coolness... ; ) 

~ Eileen Blazer -- You know what I'm doing right now? I'm twiddling my thumbs and waiting for you to update something of yours. And yes, I can type and twiddle at the same time! Stop changing the subject! : ) 

~ Thanx4reading -- Hey, ish and I have plans of world domination, too! We've been working out the details, 'cause you know something like that needs preparation. How embarrassing would it be if you took over the world and you just weren't prepared? And no, that plot bunny is not mine. I've been thinking of banning them from existence once I have the power to do so. 

~ Disturbed Courtney -- Of course I was thinking of you when I included _Nightmare Before Christmas._ *scribbles furiously into notebook* Lie #243,542,765... I'm going to need a another record book soon... 

~ ishandahalf -- 1) Well, you could always hunt the Lucky Charms kid down and turn him into, I don't know... Coco Puffs? 2) Nice-smelling bathroom products, eh? Even if it's the nice-smelling toilet bowl cleaner that makes the water a pretty shade of Caribbean blue? 3) Uhh... okay, you're amusing... right. *holds out hand* I'd like to be paid now, if you don't mind... 4) There will be no comforting Remy on _my_ watch unless it is done by myself, or perhaps Rogue! Be warned, I have plot bunnies! 5) OMG, I did the same thing with the "husky timbre" line -- and I wrote the damn thing! I actually had to stop for a few minutes because I was thinking and _feeling_ what Remy's voice would sound like! *shakes head* I am such a sap... ; ) 

~ Ning Ning -- Wow, the Madness is spreading via word of mouth! I don't know whether to be immensely happy, or immensely scared! 

~ sphinx chick -- Ending updates like what? That wasn't even a cliffhanger-y chapter! : ) 

~ Panther Nesmith -- Maybe Scott _should_ wonder about that... Hmm... 

~ Flamingo -- Wow, you're a brave one for even _thinking_ about adopting the Madness. 

~ Alwaysright -- Oh c'mon, like you don't have that electric fence surrounding the tent! No one could get within ten feet of you without setting off at least a dozen alarms! ... And if Mystique was going to slice _anyone's_ throat, I would've thought it'd be Remy, seeing as he _is_ going after her daughter. ; ) ... What were those links that you left on the Review Board? I couldn't access either one. The first one said it was for members only, and the second couldn't be found. 

~ Piratess -- Yeah, guidelines are basically there to be ignored whenever possible. And if all pirates were as yummy looking as Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom, well damn, I don't think I'll ever need to come ashore again! 

~ Cris-X -- I'm thinking that if the boys didn't overreact as they did, it wouldn't have been as entertaining -- and we wouldn't have had a story to begin with! ; )   


**CHAPTER 7   
Movie Madness   
Part II**

"We're home!" Bobby shouted as he and Remy walked into the rec room, their arms laden with grocery bags. Two seconds later, they were assaulted by six stampeding teenagers who clawed at their load like there was no tomorrow. 

"Where the heck have you been?!" 

"Dudes, I have a grandmother that can shop faster than the two of you -- and she's sixty-five, with a bad hip!" 

"... Ah'm damn well dyin' here! Do you know how many games o' Kitty's charades we had ta go through waitin' fo' you slowpokes? Jus' enough ta turn mah brain ta vapor, that's how many!" 

"I'm, like, starving already! Where are my fruit pies?" 

"Did you get the root beer? Dr. Pepper?" 

"I hope you didn't forget the ice cream." 

"Or the microwave pizza." 

"And popcorn! We can't have Movie Day without popcorn!" 

Both Remy and Bobby stood, stunned, as their teammates walked away from them without a second glance, too busy digging through the newly arrived snack selections. 

"T'anks f'r de warm welcome!" Remy called out dryly, still rooted to the spot. "C'n tell how much you missed us!" 

A chorus of grumbles answered him. 

"Gee, ya response is overwhelmin'." 

Further grumbling. 

"There are more bags in the car, you know," Bobby added. "We could use a little help." 

He was ignored in favor of artificial colors and flavoring. 

"Especially with that fifteen-pound bag of candy corn you girls wanted us to get." 

Still nothing. 

He then turned to Remy. "This sucks! We already had to do the shopping, and now we have to do the unloading, too? Talk about unfair distribution of labor!" 

"No worries, Ice-Cube, I got it covered." Remy cleared his throat and addressed the rest of the team. "Dere's a trunk-load o' stuff t'bring in, _mes amis..._ an' a fistful o' change you won't be seein' if you don' -- " He hadn't even finished his sentence before all six occupants shot out of their seats and were out the door. 

"Damn," murmured the younger boy in awe. "That was amazing." 

"You should see me when I'm actually tryin'." Remy grinned, slowly following the others out into the foyer. Catching up with Kitty, he pulled her aside. "Need t'see you f'r a bit, _petite."_

She shifted slightly under the weight of the bags in her arms. "These are kind of heavy, Remy. Can't it, like, wait?" 

_"Non."_ He easily lifted the packages and deposited them into Kurt's already full hands. The extra load caused the young German's knees to buckle in protest. _"Merci, homme."_ He yanked Kitty into the kitchen before either she or Kurt could protest. 

"What's, like, so important?" 

Remy opened a cabinet and began pulling out plates, bowls and glasses, setting them down on the countertop. "T'ought you might like dis back," he stated, pulling out something from within the recesses of his trench coat. 

She squealed in delight. "You got me another camera! Wow, Remy, that was so nice of you! I have to admit, I thought you were just, like, pulling my leg when you said you'd get me a new one, but I should have known better than to doubt you. Though I'm not really sure I want to know how you got this. It's not like you have a paying job or anything, do you? Did you steal it? Maybe I shouldn't even ask that -- " 

Remy could only blink as the words tumbled out of her mouth. At the rate she was going, he wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise until they were both dead and buried -- and even then his chances didn't look so good. 

" -- and it's even the same model! I, like, can't believe you remembered the mod-- " 

Holding up his hands, Remy said, "Slow down an' take a breath, _petite._ You turn any bluer, we're gonna have t'pin a tail on you an' start callin' you 'Kurt.'" He reached over and tapped the object in her hands. "'Sides, it ain't new. It's de same camera you lent me." 

"But..." She stared at him with confusion in her eyes. "I thought you charged it." 

"Do I look dat stupid, _petite?"_ He cut her off when she was about to respond with a resounding 'yes.' "Somet'in' as attention-grabbin' as dat picture ain't gettin' destroyed in my hands dat easy." 

"So why did you tell Rogue and Kurt that you charred it to ashes?" 

"T'ought dat much would've been clear as day. Dey ain't so mad at us now, _n'est-ce pas?"_

Kitty had to admit that was true. Ever since Rogue learned of the camera's demise, she had been a little more lenient towards her roommate. Not one-hundred-percent, going-out-of-her-way-to-be-nice, but still... at least it wasn't the homicidal tendencies of the previous day. 

"I guess so..." She glanced down at the device. "Did you make a copy of it already?" 

"Copies, _petite,"_ he corrected with a satisfied grin. _"Copies."_

She made a face. "You do realize that the more copies you have of that picture, the greater the chance Rogue'll find out that you still have it -- and the less likely she'll agree to go out with you." 

"I'm hurt, _mademoiselle._ You have so very li'l faith in jus' how charmin' I c'n be." 

"I don't exactly see Rogue falling at your feet," she pointed out. 

"An' I don' see her pushin' me off a cliff either." 

"Oh, is that what it takes to make you go away? I'll have to, like, ask the Professor to build a really steep one right outside your bedroom door." 

He smirked. "Looks like de kitty cat's been sharpenin' her claws." Walking toward the far counter, he called over his shoulder, "I went shoppin' t'day, remember? Picked up a li'l somet'in'..." 

Kitty mouth dropped open slightly before she squealed in delight once again. "You did it! You actually took my advice and got her a -- " 

"Not so loud, _petite!"_ he hissed, throwing a cursory glance at the doorway to make sure no one was there. "Don' wanna ruin de surprise." 

The grin on her face couldn't be helped. "It's nice to know you're finally listening to someone who actually knows what Rogue likes." She smiled even wider. "She is, like, so gonna love this!" 

"Love what?" 

Remy whipped around to come face to face with Jean. His quick reflexes were the only thing that hide his recently purchased package from her view. 

_"Rien_ [Nothing]." 

"Oh c'mon, Remy! We can, like, tell Jean! The one you should really be worrying about is Bobby. Everyone knows Bobby can't keep his mouth shut." 

"Ice-Boy's under de threat o' a kinetically charged atomic wedgie." 

"Well, then it _must_ be serious," Jean decided, moving closer. "What's up?" 

Kitty was practically bouncing from foot to foot with excitement. "Can I tell her, Remy? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?" 

_"Non."_

"Like, pleeeaaase...?" 

Jean easily slid onto the countertop. "You obviously underestimate Kitty's ability to whine like a four-year-old." 

"Yup, state champion," the young brunette declared proudly. "Three years in a row." She emphasized her point with the appropriate number of fingers thrust in his direction. 

Remy sighed. He never could win arguments with women. Sidestep and charm, yes, but actually win? 'A cold day in hell' sounded about right. "Dis is jus' 'tween de three o' us. No one else hears." 

Both Kitty and Jean held up their right hands, and then crossed their hearts. "Woman's honor," they chorused. 

"Dat's what I'm afraid of." He shook his head and waved lethargically in Jean's direction. "Go ahead an' tell her, _petite."_

Giggling, Kitty turned to the redhead. She didn't say a word, but her face was full of expression. It took Remy a second to realize that Kitty was relying the information via Jean's telepathic powers. 

"You're kidding!" the older girl gushed when the story was finished. She turned bright green eyes on Remy. "You really like her, don't you?" 

"He probably loves her by now," Kitty answered before he had a chance to. "It's so sweet!" 

"Who would have thought that our resident Cajun charmer would fall in love?" 

"Isn't it, like, straight out of a fairy tale?" 

Remy raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Fairy tale?" 

"Yeah, you know -- notorious playboy falls for the beautiful yet aloof princess, overcomes some difficult struggle, and then rides into the sunset on a white stallion to live happily ever after in a castle in the sky." Both girls sighed blissfully at the thought. 

"Okay, one," Remy pointed out, counting off on his fingers, "de 'difficult struggle' o' her powers hasn't been 'overcome' yet. Two, if I'm ridin' anyt'in' inta de sunset it's gon' be my Harley, an' not some white stallion dat I'm gon' have t'clean up after when he's t'rough wit' lunch. An' three, where am I gon' get a castle in de sky? Can't 'sactly find dose on de real estate market nowadays." 

Ignoring him completely, Jean commented, "I bet you two will have beautiful children." 

"Oh, without question! They'd be so cute running around the mansion! Little versions of Remy and Rogue." Kitty's eyes lit up suddenly. "I call godmother!" 

"What? Kitty, you can't _call_ godmother," Jean protested. 

"Why can't I?" 

"Because that's not how it goes." 

"So? What do I care how it goes? As long as I get to be their kids' godmother." 

"Well, if you call godmother then I call maid of honor." 

"Hey, no way!" 

_"You_ called godmother." 

Remy looked from Jean to Kitty in utter disbelief. "Don' you two t'ink ya gettin' jus' a li'l ahead o' yaselves?" He might as well have been in another state for all the attention they were paying him. 

"I can't believe you called maid of honor!" 

"What, you get to be godmother _and_ maid of honor? I don't think so." 

_"I_ wanted to be maid of honor!" 

"Then I get godmother." 

"No!" 

Remy tried one last time. "Really t'ink ya goin' off de deep end here. Pretty sure dat One-Eye an' Jeannie would go first -- " 

"Kitty, it's either one or the other. Choose." 

"Why can't I have both?" 

"So I get none? That's not fair." 

"I'll pay you." 

"You'll pay me so you can have both?" Jean asked dryly. 

"Yes." 

"Kitty, you don't have enough money to buy me off." 

"I will when I'm filthy, stinking rich." 

"I'm afraid I can't wait that long -- Mother Theresa wouldn't have been able to wait that long and she had the patience of a saint! So unless you have anything better, you're just gonna have to choose one." 

Kitty grudgingly mumbled, "I guess we could always share maid of honor." 

"And godmother?" 

"That too." 

"Good." Jean slid off the counter and smiled in satisfaction. "Now that that's decided, we should get started on the wedding." 

Remy's eyes widened even further than they already were. "De weddin'?" 

"Yes," Jean nodded matter-of-factly, opening a drawer and pulling out the pad and pencil they used for listing down groceries. "It's never too early to start planning. Do you know how hard it is to book a half-decent venue? It's near impossible." She poised the pencil over the paper. "Now, Remy, be honest... how do you feel about coattails and a top hat?" 

---- 

The Madness continues in Part III... 


	8. Movie Madness Part III

**Disclaimer: **All right, which one of you made the 'fat' comment to the disclaimer? It spent an entire week scrutinizing itself in front of the mirror, and now its demanding that I pay for its gym membership. I don't even have money for _my_ gym membership! 

**A/N: **The site was acting up again, so about eight reviews didn't show up on the Board. But don't think that saves you from listening to my ramblings! Heck no! That's the beauty of ff.n's email review alert! I get them one way or the other! No one's safe! Ha! ; ) 

~ Yumiko, Jen1703, kaosda, Rogue Warrior Spirit, The Hidden One, MoonJewel, Solitaire, J.Dax, Taineyah, kh@y -- I've got nothing to give you all, but... *scrounges around in bag* ... about ten dollars, a couple mints and some lint... any takers? ; ) 

~ Thanx4reading -- I remember that issue, and the others that followed where they had Remy wearing a tux. The boy does clean up nicely. But honestly, he could wear _anything_ and I'd still drool! : ) 

~ Disturbed Courtney -- I didn't lie, per se... stretch the truth, maybe? Stretched the truth like a rubber band around the world a few hundred times... ; ) Ahh! You updated! Not _Street Livin'_ though -- *grumble, grumble* -- but I guess that's fine. I haven't gotten around to reading yet, but I will! 

~ Mag Carter -- We probably were. I know there are some stuff that I did at that age that I am kicking myself for now. : ) 

~ ishandahalf -- *breaks down and weeps* Two reviews? I just can't... 1) Where exactly was the part about curing cancer, erasing third world debt and bringing about peace on earth? I must have missed that... 2) Yeah, that Caribbean blue is pretty. Kind of deceives you into thinking that it's clean enough to play in or something. Though I don't see anyone agreeing to a game of water volleyball in a toilet... 3) Candy corn! *squeal* Manna from heaven, my friend. My godmother sent me this big tub full of candy corn once. Everyone else was banned from even looking at it. Oh, and of course Tootsie Roll pops! We should take over the candy-making world first. Just so we're on a sugar high while we're working on the world domination thing. 4) Ooh, is your 'ah-HAH!' stance similar to my 'Hark!' stance? We should _so_ copyright those. 5) I'm thinking if Remy wallpapered his room, Rogue would kill him for sure. Wait, what? Remy stepping out of the shower...? *mind wanders into the gutter* ... The rest of you might as well go home. Me and ish will be here a while...*coughforevercough* 6) "is this called the madness series cuz your torturing of me is driving me mad?" Well, I would have thought that much would've been obvious... ; ) 7) The effort is much appreciated! ; ) 

~ Cris-X -- As always, thanks for reviewing each chapter! Many thank you's! : ) 

~ Flamingo -- 1) Yeah, the Fanfiction Mafia is cool, but we have such a limited number of members I'm wondering if we aren't too covert for our own good! ; ) 2) I've never really thought about a plot bunny fur trading business -- what with the plot bunnies trying to kill me and all -- but it sounds like a very lucrative business. 3) Ha! That's why you can't find a bootleg copy of _The Two Towers;_ the minions have been hoarding them like crazy. I'll see if I can't wrestle one away from them. *dons muse's suit of armor, complete with shield and broad sword* Have the ambulance on stand-by, please. 

~ Lady Trunks -- Well, hello you! Yup, Dr. Pepper good. (So good I lose my grammar skills. : ) 

~ Panther Nesmith -- I was just wondering, why would Scott get jealous? 

~ Ning Ning -- 1) *completely out of breath* Did I catch you before you left? Or are you already in Colombia -- harvesting coffee beans perhaps? ; ) 2) Uhh... 17 days? Which, btw, isn't that bad since I'm jumping between _Stitches..._ and this. You should have been around when _Hazard_ was still in progress. A whole _month_ or more between updates. I'm surprised more people didn't try to hurt me. ; ) 3) I'm curious, what does "tambien" mean? 

~ Goddess Evie -- "Deep forest green, a lighter blue, and silver" ~~ Ooh, so very pretty! That sounds like it would make such a beautiful color scheme! Not overly feminine, and yet not completely masculine -- which is perfect for Remy and Rogue! Damn, you're good! ; ) 

~ Makura Koneko -- Let me tell you, even _I_ wasn't expecting the turn it took. Not that I ever get a say in any of these fics, but let's just pretend for now... Are you sure I wasn't channeling you or something in the last chapter? 'Cause it's really eerie how similar those two scenes are. Albeit Rogue and Remy haven't even been on one date yet, while you and your boyfriend have, but still... 

~ Eileen Blazer -- Ahh, Remy's sneaky self... It's why we love him so much, isn't it? Damn the man... ; ) Okay, so the next update is up already. Where is yours? (Can you feel the pressure I'm putting on you? Can ya? ; ) 

~ insertcreativenamehere -- First off, love your screen name -- coolness! : ) Second, it's always nice to hear from "long time readers, first time reviewers." I don't begrudge anyone who stays in 'stalker' mode 'cause sometimes I get _real_ lazy to review, myself. As for your questions... Who knows? You'll see. And anything's possible... Did that help? : ) To be honest, the reason why I have Bobby as part of the main cast is because it felt weird _not_ to have him. I mean, he is one of the original X-Men and everything. Plus, he's such a goof ball that I had to include him, for comedy purposes alone. As for the New Mutants, I'm not really sure. It's hard enough juggling around eight different characters, I'm not sure my sanity -- or lack thereof -- can take on any more. Plus, I don't really have a solid handle on Ray, Amara, Roberto or Rahne. Jubilee and Sam, maybe -- but those first four... But we'll see if we can't talk the bunnies into it! : ) 

~ ria snape -- A bike, huh? Good guess on your sister's part, as was your cd or jewelry guess. You two will just have to wait and see, though. *evil grin* Damn, I am so not helpful, am I? ; )   


**CHAPTER 8   
Movie Madness   
Part III**

"F'r de last time, _non, non, non!"_ Remy yelled as he stormed into the rec room with Jean and Kitty hot on his heels. 

"What about champagne pink, or sea-coral pink? Those are both beautiful shades of -- " 

"No pink!" 

Jean set her hands on her hips. "Well, at least reconsider the ice-skating penguins." 

"No!" 

"The fire-breathing monkeys?" 

"No!" 

"You're right. That might be a bit of a fire hazard. What about the dancing llamas?" 

"No t' ev'ryt'in'!" 

"You've got to be kidding! No to, like, _everything?_ Even the pretty fountains and flowing lace?" Kitty asked, wide-eyed. 

_"Ev'ryt'in'!_ De whole shebang, de complete caboodle!" Remy strode over to where Scott was sitting on the couch, yanked him up by his collar, and thrust him in the girls' direction. _"Homme,_ do somet'in' 'bout ya _femme_ dere. Take her upstairs an' go at it or somet'in' -- jus' get her off my back!" 

"Eww! Like, bad image! Bad image!" 

"Gambit!" 

"Dude, I think my appetite just took a trip elsewhere." 

"Tell me about it. Zis Twinkie has lost all its appeal." 

"Maybe I should've picked up a pack of barf bags while at the store..." 

Rogue glanced over the back of the couch and asked, "What do y'all need penguins, monkeys an' llamas for?" 

Kitty, who was about to open her mouth to answer, was abruptly cut off by Remy's hard expression. 

"'Tween de three o' us, remember?" he murmured under his breath so that only she and Jean could hear. 

"Uhh... for... umm... Remy's... birthday!" Kitty nodded enthusiastically, happy with her cover-up. "Jean and I were, like, trying to plan Remy's birthday." 

Scott looked skeptical. "With a zoo full of animals exhibiting talents that normally shouldn't have any bearing on their existence whatsoever?" 

"Uhh... yes?" 

Bobby leaned toward Evan. "You mean penguins really don't ice skate when they're down south in their igloos?" 

"Oh man, you are so clueless! Penguins live in teepees, not igloos... don't they? Anyway the real question is: why does Remy need fountains and lace at his birthday bash? Now there's an interesting combination." 

"Hey, vait a minute!" Kurt interrupted. "My birthday comes before Remy's! Vhy aren't you planning a party for me?" 

"Trust me, _homme,_ you should be t'ankful dey ain't." 

Despite that statement, Kurt pouted, sulking in his seat. "Everyone always forgets _my_ birthday. It's not fair. Vhy can't you forget someone else's birthday for a change? Like Bobby's." 

"Hey!" 

"Dudes, since we're all here, can we start with Movie Day already?" Evan demanded. "We're wasting precious minutes! The Force waits for no one!" 

"You go ahead an' start de movie, _mon ami,"_ Remy said, walking up to Rogue. _"Chère,_ c'n I talk t'you f'r a bit?" 

"If this is about th' big bag o' candy corn, Ah was only one-third o' th' demandin' party." She pointed to her co-conspirators. "They wanted it more than Ah did. In fact, they made me put in a vote fo' it." 

"Traitor," hissed Kitty. 

Remy smiled. _"Non,_ it ain't about de candy corn." He took her hand and helped her off the couch, leading her out of the rec room and near the main staircase. The rest of the team could still see them clearly through the doorway, but they were far enough away to keep their conversation private. 

"Vat's zat all about?" questioned Kurt, openly staring at the couple, along with the other occupants in the room. 

"Maybe Remy's finally admitting to Rogue that _he's_ the one who's gay," suggested Scott. Everyone's eyes were drawn to him. "Oh, so it's okay for him to think I'm gay, but God forbid if anyone thinks it of him?" 

Evan shook his head. "You have real issues, man." 

"Maybe he's telling Rogue that he's dying," Bobby piped up. "And his last request is if he could get into her pants at least once before he croaks." 

"Bobby!" 

"What? Men have to push every advantage they can get, right? At least that's what you guys told me last wee-- " 

Scott quickly clamped his hand over the younger boy's mouth before he could say any more. 

"Oh, really now?" Jean arched an eyebrow in her boyfriend's direction. 

Nervously, Scott cleared his throat, and in a stern voice told Bobby, "Absolutely not. We never said anything of the sort. And you're too young to be thinking about stuff like that." Scott cuffed him on the back of the head. But once Jean's attention was directed elsewhere, he grinned, saying, "Nice to see you're learning." 

Jean turned to Kurt and informed him, "Remy bought something for Rogue while he was out earlier. He's giving it to her now." 

Without warning, Kurt jumped out of his seat, and would have been halfway across the room if Kitty's hand hadn't grabbed hold of his tail. 

"And, like, just where do you think you're going, fuzzy elf?" 

"To see vat zat snake is giving my sister!" he snapped, attempting to stride out of the room, to no avail. Kitty's grip held firm. "Who knows vat kind of sleazy stuff he's trying to corrupt her with!" His eyebrows furrowed in frustration. "Vhy can't I teleport?" 

"Because I'm not letting you," stated Jean smoothly. "Trust me, Kurt... he isn't giving her anything you wouldn't approve of." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Positive." 

"Oh yeah, he's probably just giving her body lotion, or lingerie, or massage oils..." Evan counted off helpfully. 

Kurt immediately recalled Remy ogling his sister's picture, and renewed his efforts to break free of Kitty's hold. 

Jean frowned at Evan. "It isn't anything like that." 

"... or porn, or nudie magazines, or sex toys..." 

"Evan!" Trying to defuse the situation, Jean stated calmly, "It's nothing like that, Kurt, believe me." 

"Do you swear on Scott's _Three Stooges_ collection?" 

"Hey!" 

"I swear." 

"One or two videos doesn't constitute a collection," muttered Scott under his breath. 

The tension in Kurt's body eased, but he still stood watching the transaction by the stairs. Remy's back was facing them so they couldn't lip-read what was being said. But judging from the expression on Rogue's face, it must have been good. Her eyes widened as far they could go, and she looked at Remy in complete and utter shock. It took her a solid minute to reach out and accept the box he offered her. When she finally held it in her hands, she stared at it for a moment before raising her gaze to Remy and favoring him with a slight smile. 

The male members of the team sat stunned, jaws scrapping the floor. Rogue was actually... smiling? At Gambit? 

"Somebody grab the remote!" Evan yelled, pointing towards the couple. "We need to hit rewind right now! I think my eyes just stepped into the Land of Hell-No-That-Ain't-Possible!" 

Normally, Rogue's behavior towards their Cajun teammate would be categorized as bristly on a good day, and borderline hostile on a bad one. And now she was actually accepting gifts and _smiling_ at him?! They needed to consult a calendar and see if the world was coming to an end. 

To further add to their surprise, they saw her mouth form the words 'thank you' before Remy once again took her hand and lead her back into the rec room. 

Scott was dumbstruck. "Now I know I'm suffering from head trauma." 

"What's de matter, _mes amis?"_ Remy asked as he waited for Rogue to slid back into her spot on the sofa. Once she had, he settled down on the carpeted floor and rested his back against her calves without any form of protest from her. 

If the team hadn't been stupefied before, they certainly were now. Pigs were going to sprout wings and fly by the window at any minute, followed by cows, donkeys, and any other barnyard animal they could think of. 

Remy smirked, adding, "You look like you jus' found out de Juggernaut won a presidential election or somet'in'." 

The room was completely silent except for the baffled disbelief that echoed through the air. 

"If y'all don' close those yappers shut, Ah'm gonna have ta do it fo' you," Rogue declared, glancing around and catching the looks on Kitty's and Jean's faces. They seemed infinitely pleased by Remy's gesture, and not in the least bit surprised. 

_They knew about this, th' li'l harpies,_ she thought without malice, staring down at the item in her lap. It was a pastry box from an obscure little bakeshop on the outskirts of town. Not many people knew it even existed. It was one of Bayville's best-kept secrets. Rogue herself had found it entirely by accident while she'd been wandering aimlessly through the area on one of her 'thinking' expeditions. She entered the little shop with the hope of finding a snack and a cool drink, and came home with a new secret addiction. 

Peach crumble cupcakes. The shop's specialty. Made in pretty silver foil cups, and packed by the half-dozens in a plain, cream-colored box with only the bakeshop's name printed on the very top. It also came in the full-sized cake variety, but Rogue liked the easy convenience of cupcakes. No plate, knife or fork to deal with, and only a foil cup to dispose of afterwards. 

How in the world did Remy find out about them? No one in the house knew that she craved them like a pregnant woman did pickles and ice cream, except... 

_Kit-Kat._

Rogue's eyes wandered over to where her roommate was sitting next to her brother. Kitty had been with her one day when they happened to be in the neighborhood. Since the bakeshop was so out of the way for her, Rogue reluctantly decided to let Kitty in on her top-secret secret rather than pass up the opportunity and wait for who-knew-how-long before she could sample those "li'l cups o' heaven" again. 

_No wonder it took them so long comin' home, if they went clear across town ta get these._ She couldn't help but feel... special. Remy had gone all that way especially for her, dragging Bobby along with him in the process -- probably kicking and screaming for the most part, too. _Okay, so maybe th' swamp rat ain't a complete good-fo'-nothin'... maybe only sixty percent good-fo'-nothin'._

"So are we gonna jus' sit here an' stare at a blank screen fo' th' rest o' our lives, or is one o' y'all actually goin' ta get up an' turn th' damn player on?" she demanded, breaking the tense silence. 

"You mean we're still in the real world?" Evan blinked at her, then looked around the room in wonder. "This isn't a movie? We haven't been abducted onto the Mother Ship and used for third-grade science projects?" 

"Ve should be so lucky." 

"I think the fact that Rogue is all nice and smiley-like is scaring me more than the thought of Scott and Jean having sex." 

"Bobby!" 

"What? It's not like it's not happening or anything." 

"Ve all just don't want to be reminded zat it _is_ happening, you know? I actually like being sane." 

"Can we please talk about something other than mine and Jean's private lives?" Cutting Remy off before the Cajun could retort, Scott continued, "And for the last time, Gambit, I'm not gay!" 

"Bit defensive when it comes t'dat, eh, _homme?"_ The young thief grinned broadly. "Makes a body wonder. 'Sides, I was jus' gon' say, what private lives? You an' Jeannie are anyt'in' _but_ private." 

"What're you talking about?" 

"Ya bedroom, her bedroom, de bathroom, de closet, de boathouse -- " 

"The library, the storeroom, the infirmary, the gym -- " Evan joined in helpfully. 

"Ze Danger Room, ze garage, ze kitchen, ze dining room -- " 

"Oh, like, gross! We eat there!" 

Jean was blushing as red as her hair. "You guys are exaggerating. We haven't -- " 

"De Professor's study, behind dat big tree in de gardens, Kitty an' Rogue's room -- " 

_"What?!_ Y'all had sex in our bedroom?!" 

Kitty shuddered. "Oh gosh, I'm, like, gonna have enough nightmares left over for seven more lifetimes! Eww, eww, eww!" 

"That's it! We're jus' gonna have ta burn th' whole mansion down ta th' ground an' get a new one!" Rogue declared, crossing her arms and leaning back against the couch. 

"Look..." Scott leaned forward, resting his forearms against his knees. "This is getting blown way out of proportion. We haven't done it nearly as much as you seem to think." 

"Really? So what are we talkin' 'bout here? Give us a number," Remy urged. 

"You want me to give you the number of times Jean and I have had sex?" His tone was nothing short of stunned disbelief. 

"Basically." 

"That's none of your business!" 

"It's a low number, ain't it?" He turned to the other members of the team. "Told you it'd be a low number." 

"It's not a low number!" 

"So ya admittin' t'havin' sex in all dose places?" 

"Yes! I mean, no!" 

"Which is it, yes or no?" 

"What the hell do you care?" 

"Hmm... defensive again. Really startin' t'wonder 'bout you, _homme."_

"Stop sticking yourself where you don't belong." 

"An' you say _I_ got sex on de brain." 

Scott paused, momentarily baffled. "Your ability to turn any group of words into sexual innuendos should be documented." 

"It is. An' quit changin' de subject an' give us an' answer already." 

"What was the question?" 

"De number o' times you an' Jeannie have done it." 

"Get a life." 

"I will... once you give me a number." 

"No." 

"Two hundred?" 

Scott's jaw dropped. "If we had sex that many times, you'd never see us." 

"Which would be a good t'ing... No t' two hundred, den. One-fifty?" 

"I'm not telling you, Gambit, so you might as well drop this." 

"A hundred?" 

"No." 

"No, not a hundred -- or no, still not talkin'?" 

"No, still not talking." 

"You t'ink I'm gon' stop? I c'n go on f'rever, _mon ami."_ He winked up at Rogue, slipping a double meaning into his words, to which she rolled her eyes. "Eighty?" 

"No." 

"Sixty?" 

"Give it up, man." 

"Lower dan fifty?" 

"Twenty-five, okay?!" Jean burst out suddenly, her face completely flushed. "Are you happy now?!" She was still embarrassed about the current topic of choice, but wanted nothing more than for it to end. She honestly didn't know the exact number, but the need to end the conversation then and there prompted her to blurt out the first number that came to mind. 

"Twenty-five?" Remy echoed, weighing the amount in his head. "Not bad, Summers. Not up t' my standards, o' course, but more dan I expected from you." 

From across the room, Kurt grinned. "Time to pay ze Fuzzy One, people!" 

Groans were heard as five sets of hands scrounged around their respective pockets, pulling out bills and the occasional handful of coins. 

"You guys started a betting pool on us?!" Scott demanded. 

"Yeah, so?" 

Jean was equally surprised. "That's disgusting -- " 

"Ah'm sorry... did she say jus' disgustin'? She's havin' sex in our bedroom, an' _we're_ th' ones who're disgustin'?" 

"We did not have sex in your bedroom, Rogue, despite whatever twisted fantasy Remy was entertaining when he said that." 

"Hey, _chèrie,_ ya barkin' up de wrong fantasy. Dat was one o' ya boyfriend's, not mine." 

_"WHAT?!"_ One shrill feminine voice was bad enough, but three...? The boys could do nothing but cover their ears and wince. 

"Thanks a lot, Remy," Scott mumbled to his Cajun teammate. "I share one little tidbit of information, and you throw it back in my face in the worst possible way." 

"Hey, you can't tell me you don' t'ink Jeannie's beautiful when she's all mad like dat." He slapped Scott on the leg. "I know you do, you told me as much." 

"Yeah, and that's the last thing I'm ever going to tell you." Practically growling, he said, "For crying out loud, play the damn movie already." 

---- 

The Madness continues in Part IV...   
(Boy, this is getting long. : ) 

* Apologies to all non-Rogue/Remy fans for putting you through the fluff -- though, I don't know how many of you are out there. I was actually debating with myself if I should have removed that whole bit, because it seemed out of place in this series, but I needed to set that transition up. (That, and the Rogue/Remy fan in me would have exploded had I done so, effectively killing me and anyone within a hundred-mile radius. : ) 


	9. Movie Madness Part IV

**Disclaimer: **I'm being sued for neglect by the Disclaimer. It's a bogus charge, I tell you -- BOGUS! And you won't be getting a penny from me! Not one penny! Mostly because I don't even _have_ a penny right now, but that isn't the point! 

**A/N: **Bwah ha ha -- cough Dammit! cough ... hairball... Thought you were all safe, did you? Just because it's been 10 months since this story was last updated doesn't mean that you all get off that easily! (Man, it's been 10 months already? Whew...) Well, the Madness is back. I'd be afraid if I were you -- very, _very_ afraid. 

Usually, I reply to everyone's reviews before the chapter starts, but let's face facts: there are just enough to make my head explode with the effort. And besides, most of you probably don't even remember what you said in all of them anyway. But every single one is greatly appreciated... ; )   


**CHAPTER 9   
Movie Madness Part IV**

"When do you think they'll give it up?" asked Jean as she lifted a can of soda to her lips. 

"Prob'ly when dey wear de carpet down inta not'in' wit' all dat dancin'," Remy tossed back from his perch atop the kitchen counter. He popped a potato chip into his mouth and crunched loudly. "Or when de Professor gets de electric bill an' kicks deir butts back t' de fifties... whichever comes first." 

Scott looked up from where he was scrounging around in the refrigerator. "We should have thought of grabbing some snacks when we came in here. We left all the good stuff out there." 

"Sugah, if you want ta venture back out there, by all means, be our guest. It's gonna be yoah eardrums that'll get th' beatin', not ours," Rogue said. 

All fours teens turned as the kitchen door suddenly swished open, allowing Kitty to stroll in. She cradled her left hand, holding it close to her body. 

Her roommate quirked an eyebrow in her direction. "What happened to you?" 

Kitty let out a loud groan before answering. She headed to the freezer to extract a handful of ice, and then dropped the cubes into the plastic bag that Jean extended to her. "I was, like, trying to save us all by rescuing the remote control from the karaoke twins out there." She raised her injured hand as proof. "Kurt's quicker than I gave him credit for. And he's got a lot of control with that tail of his." 

"I don't suppose you smuggled a Twinkie in with you?" questioned Scott hopefully. 

"Sorry. The snack table's, like, deep within enemy territory, you know." 

"Are they still at it?" Jean nudged the door open a quarter of an inch. Blaringly loud music wailed in from the direction of the rec room, along with a duet of off-key voices. "They're not still on _Grease,_ are they?" 

"For the past hour. They, like, alternate on who gets to play Danny and who gets to be Sandy for the ending song." 

Rogue stifled a sigh. "There's gotta be a way ta shut those two up." 

"You mean short o' givin' 'em cyanide?" 

"ARGH!" 

For the second time that day, the occupants of the kitchen turned towards the door to watch Bobby storm in with his hands protectively over his ears. 

"For the love of everything soft and fluffy, MAKE THEM STOP!" 

"What's de matter, _homme?_ Not enjoyin' de concert? We got you such good seats too, right down in de front row." 

Bobby looked up long enough to scowl at them. "You guys _abandoned_ me to the vultures. No, no, scratch that. The vultures would have been more humane. _Those two,"_ he pointed toward the rec room, "torture you 'til your brain is whisked around like a scrambled egg." 

"Egg!" Scott cried out suddenly, moving back toward the refrigerator. "I think I saw a bunch of eggs in here. We can make omelets or something." 

Kitty returned her attention back to Bobby. "Like, _please_ tell me you at least _tried_ to get the remote from them." 

"Are you kidding me? I like having my body in one piece, you know." 

"Oh fo' cryin' out loud!" Rogue exclaimed, marching toward the door. "It's jus' th' Elf an' th' Porcupine!" Without another word, she exited the kitchen. 

Bobby raised an eyebrow. "Think she'll be back?" 

"Ten bucks says she won't be." 

"Jean!" Scott called from near the stove. 

"What? A little extra cash never hurt anyone," she answered guiltlessly. "And I have no problem taking it from Bobby." 

"Hey!" 

Looking over to Gambit, who was unusually quiet, Kitty inquired, "Aren't you even the tiniest bit concerned about her, Remy? I mean, she _is_ all alone out there." 

Remy shrugged nonchalantly. "De girl c'n take care o' herself, _n'est-ce pas?_ Ain't like her brother's gon' kill her or not'in'." 

"Not on purpose anyway," Bobby put in. "Accidentally... now that's another thing all together." He gestured with his hands. "I can see the headlines now: 'Sibling Rivalry Leads to Gruesome Tragedy: Death by Karaoke Overdose.'" Shaking his head regrettably, he continued, "I'm telling you, man, it's not going to be pretty." 

"Rogue c'n take care o' herself," repeated Remy, his voice full of confidence. He popped another potato chip into his mouth. 

Silence fell over the group. 

The only sounds that were audible in the room were the ticking of the wall-hung clock and the slight hissing of Scott's cooking. 

Outside the kitchen window they heard a chorus of birds singing chirpily. 

"You're just dying to go out there, aren't you?" Scott commented from over his shoulder as he transferred his omelet onto a clean plate. 

_"Non,_ I'm not." Another potato chip was crunched loudly. The Cajun's leg swung casually from side to side. "Rogue's a tough girl. She c'n handle anyt'in' dat comes her -- Okay, _oui,_ I am," he admitted, jumping down and all but rushing through the doorway that Rogue had disappeared through several minutes before. 

"Hey, like, wait for us!" 

One by one, they left the kitchen, only to come to a screeching halt at the entrance to the rec room. The sight that greeted them caused all of their jaws to drop like fifty-pound bags of cement. 

They were prepared to see Kurt and Evan dancing vigorously in front of the big-screen television while singing at the top of their out-of-tune lungs. But they were certainly _not_ prepared to find Rogue performing right along with them as if she had been doing it all her life. 

"I don't believe it," murmured Jean in utter disbelief. "I'm seeing it with my own eyes, but I _don't_ believe it." 

Bobby nodded slowly in agreement. "First she's all nice and smiley when Remy gives her those cupcakes, and now she's doing karaoke like it's an everyday thing." He turned to the rest of his teammates. "I don't like this anymore. I want to go home." 

"Somebody _do_ something," Kitty whispered. "I can't watch this anymore. It's starting to scare me." 

They all cringed when Rogue stood up to imitate the dance number that was on the television screen. Kurt and Evan, joining the routine, flanked her on both sides. 

Scott looked to the floor in defeat. "I knew it would happen sooner or later. All those voices in her head have finally caused her to crack." He shot a concerned look towards Remy and was surprised to see the other X-Man in complete shock. "Uh-huh, looks like we're going to have to deal with Gambit too." 

Walking over to their Cajun teammate, Jean waved her hand over his face several times. She was rewarded with nothing but a blank stare. "It looks serious. We better take him to the Professor." 

"And tell him what?" asked Bobby. "That Rogue broke the Cajun with her imitation of _Grease?"_

"I know how to fix this." Kitty took a deep breath and screamed, "Rogue!" 

Standing next to her and yet again protecting his ears, Bobby said, "Yeah, that's fixing it all right." 

At the sound of her name, the southerner turned. "Oh... hi, guys." She took in their curious stares and disbelieving looks. "What?" she asked innocently. "They let me be Sandy. Ah always wanted ta be Sandy." 

"Traitor," Kitty hissed as she came around the sofa to settle down. "Are you yahoos finished with your Viva-Las-Vegas-showgirls thing already? Can we, like, get on with Movie Day?" 

"But ve were just getting started," complained Kurt, reluctant to let go of the hairbrush he had been using as a fake microphone. "Ve were planning to go back to ze start of ze movie and redo all ze songs X-Men style!" 

"Oh, dear Lord, please give us strength," Jean whimpered. 

Crossing the room, Bobby made his way to the DVD player and declared, "Then we are _definitely_ changing the movie. What's next on the list?" 

With a sigh, Rogue picked up the next case. "It's more fun than you would think, y'all," she defended. A number of simultaneous groans were thrown in her direction. "All right, all right! Next movie: _Speed."_ She lifted her eyes and finally took notice of Gambit standing frozen across the room. "Hey, what's up with th' swamp rat?" 

"The song and dance routine knocked him senseless," answered Scott. "Give him a few minutes, he should come around." 

Evan made his way over to the Cajun. "Are you sure?" He repeated Jean's earlier gesture of waving his hand in front of Gambit's face. "Dude, he's like a statue. That can't be good, right?" 

"You mean he can't move?" Kurt joined Evan. "At all? Cool..." He turned back to the snack table and picked up a few items. Returning, he carefully plugged the Cajun's nose with two marshmallows. 

"Kurt Wagner!" Rogue scolded, placing her hands on her hips. "How is he s'pposed ta breathe like that?" 

"Don't worry, _liebling._ His mouth is open. He can breathe through zere." Taking a handful of popcorn, he began to sprinkle some on top of Gambit's head. 

"Dude, you _do_ realize that he's going to kill us once he wakes up," reasoned Evan. 

"I know. But until zen, ve can have all ze fun ve want." 

Bobby ran over with a can of whipped cream. "Hey, I want in!" Shaking the can, he dabbed some on the tip of their victim's nose. 

"You all are going to die horrible deaths," Jean told them from her place next to Scott. 

"Yeah, but ze moments before zat vill be fun!" 

"Leave them alone, guys. It's their funeral." Kitty turned and called over her shoulder. "No, no, no. You guys, put some of the candy corn on top of the whipped cream! It'll keep them in place. Haven't you ever done this before?" She shrugged off the odd looks Scott, Jean and Rogue were giving her. "What? I used to go to summer camp when I was a kid. You learn some stuff." 

"Obviously," remarked Jean. 

Settling back onto the couch, Rogue announced, "We're startin' th' next movie, y'all. Grab a seat." 

"Be there in a minute." Strategically placing the last licorice stick into Remy's waistband, Evan stood back to admire their handiwork. "I actually think it's a big improvement for him." 

Kurt nodded. "Definitely." Before returning to his seat, he reached down to the coffee table where Rogue had left her cupcakes. 

"An' jus' _what_ do you think yoah doin', mister?" 

Stopping with the treat in mid-air, Kurt looked toward his sister. "Trying a cupcake?" 

"Ah don' think so. You jus' go ahead an' put that back where you found it." 

Kurt held up his hands in defeat. "Okay, okay... putting ze cupcake back..." He made a show of returning it to its box, but then suddenly pulled it back toward his body. "On second thought, I think I'll hold ze cupcake hostage." As his sister started towards him, he held out his hand to stop her. "Ah-ah-ah... one false move and ze cupcake gets it." He turned it upside down, threatening to drop it top-first onto the carpet. 

"You wouldn't _dare!"_ Rogue hissed. 

"Try me, _liebling._ I just might." 

"Don' do anythin' stupid, Kurt. Jus' put th' cupcake back with th' others an' we can fo'get 'bout th' whole thing. Finish Movie Day with ev'rybody happy an' all their body parts intact." 

He relaxed his defensive stance. "You're right. Ve shouldn't be doing this." Looking at the cupcake thoughtfully, he continued, "Ve shouldn't... but let's do it anyway!" He popped the sweet into his mouth without even blinking. 

Rogue's jaw dropped in disbelief. "You... you are deader than dead, Wagner!" 

Picking up a fruit pie, she hurled it at him. At the last minute, Kurt teleported himself to safety. The pie, however, continued on its course, smashing into Bobby's forehead. 

"Hey, I ain't even a part of this! Quit aiming for innocent bystanders!" He chucked a burrito back at Rogue. She dodged it and bit down a laugh when it hit Kitty in the shoulder. 

"Like, yuck! Bobby! Now I smell like a Mexican restaurant!" She grabbed a handful of candy corn and started pelting her assaulter with them. "I can't believe you did that!" 

Evan winced as a few of the candy projectiles caught him as well. "Girl, chill, will ya? You're clipping me too!" 

"Yeah, Kitty, listen to Evan... chill!" Bobby used his powers to create miniature snowballs, which he used as ammunition against his teammates. 

From where she was still sitting with Scott, Jean observed, "The adults are going to kill us again, aren't they?" 

"Most probably," her boyfriend responded. 

"Wow... twice in the past forty-eight hours. That's got to be some kind of record." 

"Actually, I think that's normal in this household." 

She arched an eyebrow towards the chaos that was unfolding before them. "Wanna join them?" 

"I don't know... I don't think we should be encouraging this kind of behavior." 

"You're right." She telekinetically stopped a cream puff from landing in her lap. "But then we're probably already considered accomplices for just being in the same room as them." She sent the pastry flying into Scott's face. "Might as well have some fun while we can, right?" She laughed at the surprise on his face, and then shrieked when he caught her by the waist and used his free hand to spray her with whipped cream. 

The sounds of the food fight were slowly waking Remy from his stupor. He shook his head slightly to clear it. Noticing the battle raging on, he started to join in when he suddenly stopped. Curiously, he looked down at himself. 

_Dieu,_ he thought menacingly. _Dey're gon' pay f'r dis._ A squishy sensation was coming from the general area of his pants. _Oh, are dey ever gon' pay f'r dis._ Without hesitation, he threw himself into the fray. 

"Hey, like, no fair! Kurt's got his hands _and_ his tail to use! I call disqualification!" 

"Stop bein' such a baby, Kit-Kat! Here, have some chocolate cake!" 

"Evan, stop throwing pickles! That's going to stink up the house!" 

"Right, Jean, like the rest of this food mixed together is going to make it smelling like roses." 

"Let me borrow one o' ya snowballs, Ice-Cube." 

"Here you go, Cajun. What're you going to use it for?" 

"Watch an' learn, _mon ami."_

"Rogue, that's not -- Crap! GAMBIT!" 

"Whoa... I don't think I've ever seen Fearless Leader jump that high." 

"Any higher an' he'd've cracked his skull open on de chandelier. Now let's see what happens when we slip one down de Elf's pants..." 

"Let us not, Gambit." 

All movement in the rec room ceased. Very slowly, the eight teenagers turned toward the doorway. Ororo stood with her hands sternly positioned on her hips, with an expression that was anything but happy. 

"Vell, there goes Movie Day..." 

---- 

I thought I'd dedicate this chapter to ishandahalf, who I've been lucky enough to have as an email buddy for more than a year now. (I've known you longer than my boyfriend! ; ) Thanks for letting me vent about Red, and for keeping me entertained with all the drama on your end. ; ) And for _subtly_ suggesting that I start up these fics again. Here's to our plans of world domination! : )


	10. Shopping Date Madness Part I

**Disclaimer: **Anyone know how to tame a cranky disclaimer? 

**A/N: **Hey, look at that! After such a long absence I _actually_ managed to update two stories within a week of each other! Praise the Fates, I think the plot bunnies are in a good mood! That can be the _only_ explanantion. 

Just like I said in the newest chapter of _Stitches..._ -- Oh, look! Shameless, _shameless_ plug! ; ) -- I doubt any of you really remember what you reviewed in the last chapter, since it was about six months ago... so I'll just leave the review responses for next time. Yes, that _does_ mean you all will have to review then. -collective groan sounds throughout cyber-space- I'm sorry, but that's just how it is... ; )   


**CHAPTER 10   
Shopping-Date Madness   
Part I**

"You have _got_ to be kidding me!" 

"C'mon, Scott, it's not like you're going to face a firing squad wearing it." 

"But a top hat and coattails?! Seriously, what century do you think we're living in?" 

"Honestly, yoah bein' such a baby. Would you jus' say yes already so we can get on with th' rest o' our lives?" 

"Well then, you wear them, Ms. Southern-Fried-Chicken." 

Rogue stood and took a step in Scott's direction. "Now Ah _know_ you did not jus' call me that!" 

"Easy, _chère,_ easy," Remy soothed, refereeing the would-be fight by getting between the two. He faced Rogue and said smoothly, "De boy's jus' nervous, is all. Don' really know what he's doin' when it comes t' women -- " 

"I'm standing right here, Gambit," intoned Scott pointedly. "I can hear every word you're saying." 

"Good. Maybe you'll learn somet'in' while ya dere." He turned back to Rogue. "Don' worry 'bout it, _chère,_ 'kay? Jus' let de Yankee get it out o' his system. He'll be a good boy from now, won't you, Scottie?" When he didn't receive an immediate answer, he threw a deadly stare in the other male's direction. 

"All right, all right," Scott muttered, throwing up his hands. "I swear, the two of you are spending too much time together. Now you've got Rogue's death glare down to an art form." 

Though she was reluctant to let the issue drop, Rogue gave in. "Jus' make sure th' boy scout doesn't crack any more comments against people that're tryin' ta help him." 

When she had walked out of earshot, Remy rounded on Scott. "You insult her in _any_ way again, _mon ami,_ an' Jeannie won't have enough parts o' you t' even remotely call a paramour. You hear what I'm sayin'?" 

Behind his visor, Scott rolled his eyes. Remy was always one for dramatics. It was nice to see that he sincerely cared about Rogue, but sometimes -- actually, _most_ of the time -- he took it to theatrical levels. "Fine, okay? I'm sorry. You know I think of her like a sister." 

"Dat's disgustin', _homme._ Den de two o' you are committin' incest or somet'in'." 

"Not _Jean!_ Rogue! I think of Rogue like a sister! Will you _please_ get your head out of the gutter for one minute!" 

"It's better dan where you put ya head..." 

"Ahem." 

Both Scott and Remy looked up at the sound. A few feet away stood Evan, Kurt and Bobby, all with bored expressions painting their faces. 

"So are we done for the day?" 

Scott sighed. "It's nine o'clock in the morning, Bobby. The day's barely even started." 

"So that's a 'no,' huh?" 

"Vat are ve doing zis time?" 

"Helpin' Leader-Boy wit' his woman problems." 

"Dude, that's gonna take _years."_

"Gee, Evan, your confidence in me is overwhelming," Scott deadpanned. 

"Are we hiding out from Jean?" Bobby inquired. "Is that why we're having a 'secret' meeting... in the middle of the front lawn... where everyone and their mother can see us from every window in the mansion?" 

Ignoring the comment, Kitty looked up and showed the boys the notebook she had been writing in. "I already made a list of all the stuff that we'll need..." 

"Five pages?!" gapped Kurt. "Back to back?! Are you crazy?" 

"I thought we were just planning a date, not the dude's wedding," Evan chimed in. 

"Believe me, guys, if we were planning Scott's wedding I'd need at least four more notebooks... and a crew of about fifty." 

Bobby made a face. Women. "Okay, okay. So where are we doing this thing?" 

"Over dere. In de small glen between de trees." 

"It's going to be so romantic," Kitty cooed. 

Bobby, Evan and Kurt gagged. 

"Excuse me fo' bein' th' only one who's actually thinkin' here," interrupted Rogue, once again moving closer to the group. "But how exactly do you plan on preventin' Jean from noticin' all yoah preparations anyway?" She reached for Kitty's notebook and began flipping through it. "Kit-Kat's got ev'rythin' but a pink lagoon in he-- " She stared at her roommate in disbelief. "You've got a pink lagoon in here. Where in th' world are you gettin' a pink lagoon?!" 

"Lagoons-'R-Us. They, like, did one of Elizabeth Taylor's weddings, I think." 

Kurt, who was studying the notebook over his sister's shoulder, began to read, "... lights... flowers... champagne... champagne flutes... pink flamingos?" He looked towards Kitty. "For ze pink lagoon, I presume." 

"Like, duh, Kurt." 

Evan continued down the list. "... lanterns... china... caviar... Dude, this is gonna cost you an arm, a leg, _and_ every other body part you can think of." 

"I'm beginning to think that this isn't such a good idea anymore," Scott said. 

"Dere's no backin' out now, Scottie-boy. You already committed t' doin' dis." 

"You can't force me to go through with any of it." 

_"Non..._ but Jeannie can." 

Mild suspicion crept onto Scott's features. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"Not'in'… jus' dat you got out o' goin' shoppin' wit' Jeannie t'day 'cause you said you were plannin' a surprise f'r her. How's it gon' look if she comes back from de mall an' ya at home, sittin' on ya ass watchin' ya _Three Stooges_ collection?" 

"For the last time, that isn't mine! It's -- " 

"' -- my brother's!' We know! We know!" his teammates finished in unison. 

"Well, it is!" 

"Yeah right... an' Pamela Anderson is a 32A," mumbled Rogue, rolling her eyes. "So that explains how Jean's not gonna see th' preparations, 'cause she'll be out shoppin'. But what's gonna prevent her from comin' home early an' catchin' us with our tails in th' air?" 

"That would be me," Kitty stated. 

Rogue rolled her eyes again. "Lordy, why am Ah not surprised? Th' fashion twins at th' mall... t'gether! An' on a three-day weekend sale no less! Has th' National Guard been notified yet?" 

"Ha-ha. Very funny." Kitty walked over to her roommate and held out her preparation notebook. "You're, like, going to need this to set everything up." 

"Why th' heck are you givin' that thing ta me?! Ah ain't in charge o' this harebrained plan!" 

"But you're the girl!" 

Bobby snickered. "Are you sure of that?" 

Green-eyed daggers were shot in his direction. 

"Fine, then," Kitty huffed. "I'll just give it to Scott. It's _his_ date, after all." 

But before she could place the notebook in her leader's outstretched hand, Remy skillfully intercepted it. "Are you kiddin' me, _petite?_ Might as well shut our operation down right now if you give it t' No-Ounce-o'-Romance dere." 

"And just how did I get this reputation of being the anti-Casanova?" 

"Ven ze shoe fits, _mein freund..."_

Kitty took a few steps away from the group. "I better get back inside. Jean's probably almost ready by now. You guys get out of sight or else she might, like, start suspecting something." She turned and sprinted lightly towards the mansion, calling over her shoulder, "I made some sketches in the notebook that you can use as reference." 

Evan shook his head in disbelief. "Girl's made a list _and_ sketches of where everything should go? She thinking of becoming a wedding planner in her next life?" 

"Don' start givin' her ideas, sugah... she jus' might. An' then Lord help us all." 

"So let's see what the Hitler of date-planning's got in mind," Bobby suggested. He reached over and turned the page of the notebook in Remy's hands. Both he and the Cajun were startled back three feet when something jumped up towards them. 

_"Pop-ups?!_ Kitty made pop-up plans?!" 

They all stared speechlessly at the cutout scene standing perpendicular to the page it rested on. 

"Ve should quit now while we can still walk away with our sanity intact." Kurt turned to Bobby. "How many pop-ups are zere?" 

Counting quickly, the younger boy answered in a small, fearful voice, "... twelve... plus six backups..." 

"Ve are so deader zan dead..." 

---

"There you are, Kitty!" Jean called as she descended the main staircase. It almost looked as if she was floating gracefully over the carpet, and Kitty wondered if she was using her telekinetic powers to help her achieve the effect. "I was just up in your room looking for you. Come on, let's get going." 

Kitty blinked. "Now? But it's still early. The mall won't open for another hour." 

"Yes, but we still have to factor in the time it'll take us to drive there." 

"You mean, all five minutes of it?" the petite brunette inquired dryly. 

Jean frowned. "I thought you loved shopping. And on a sale day too. You were just as excited about it as I was a couple of days ago." 

"Yeah, but that was, like, after I had food in my stomach." 

"Oh, you can eat while we're waiting for the mall to open. That way we don't waste any more time." She took hold of Kitty's hand and began pulling her towards the direction of the garage. 

"What the heck am I gonna eat in the parking lot? All the food shops are _inside_ the mall! The same mall that won't be opening for an hour!" 

"Details, details," huffed Jean dismissively. She pulled out her keys and hurriedly unlocked her SUV. "We're X-Men. We'll improvise." 

Kitty shot her a doubtful look. "Improvise? On my breakfast? It is so, like, scary how Scott is rubbing off on you." She quickly scanned the area around the passenger's seat as her teammate zipped down the drive. "Jean, wait. I don't even have my purse with me. I don't have my wal-- " 

"Here," Jean said before she could finish. In her hand was Kitty's bag. "I took the liberty of picking it up from your room when I was looking for you. Save time." 

Beside her, Kitty mumbled, "I'm, like, getting the sense that time is a real big issue for you." 

"What was that?" 

"Nothing!" Frowning, Kitty ran her hands along the sides of her purse. "Why does this feel different?" 

"Oh, I also took the liberty of slipping in some things that we'll be needing today." 

"Things?" A chocolate-colored eyebrow shot up. "What kind of things?" 

"Just this and that... you know, the essentials. A standard shopper's kit." 

Kitty unlatched the hook on her bag and looked inside. After a few seconds of disbelief, she slowly pulled out a long black cord. Attached to one end was a shiny metal whistle. "Am I refereeing a hockey game or something?" 

Jean glanced at her from the corner of her eye. "Laugh now, but you'll see how handy that thing is when you're tackling a two-hundred-pound woman who just snatched the last purple silk scarf on the shelves, and the store wouldn't be able to restock that particular item for the next six month!" 

"I'm, like, sensing a lot hostility from you, Jean..." 

"I saw it first!" the redhead shrieked, gripping the steering wheel tightly. 

"Okay, okay!" Kitty soothed. She put up her hands in a placating manner. She thought it would be extremely humiliating to be killed in a car crash that had been caused by a square swatch of silk fabric. "I'm sure you were, like, justified and stuff." She continued to dig inside her bag. "Why do we need the duck tape?" 

"It's good for sealing potential competition in the fitting rooms. It doesn't cause permanent damage to the store's property, and it's easily removed." 

The younger girl could only gawk. "Uh-huh... and the pack of bubble gum?" 

"Mild distractions. Gum in the hair... on the bottom of a shoe... They tend to that first, and when they turn back, the item they were looking at is gone." 

"I am _so,_ like, going to regret this day... What the -- ?" She pulled out a roll of fine transparent string. "What, may I ask, do we need a fishing line for? Are we going to, like, reel in people's wallets so they can't pay?" 

Jean stared at her as if she were crazy. "Of course not, Kitty! Don't be silly! We use the fishing line to trip people along their way." She turned their vehicle into the mall's parking lot, and commented offhandedly, "By the way, the can of Mace is used only as a last resort, so you might want to be careful with that. We wouldn't want to injure anyone, after all." 

Kitty groaned. 

---- 

Hehe! I think I _finally_ found a cute quirk for Jean! (Well, at least _I_ think it's kind of cute.) You wouldn't believe how long I've been trying to find one for her! I'm thinking of turning her into an Obsessive-Compulsive. I mean after all, she _is_ the one with the humongous closet... 


End file.
